Monday, January 22, 2007

Take Me NOW, Mr. Rochester

Now...it's a well known fact that I enjoy mocking the nerdy types. Like all true bullies...it's mainly to make up for my littleness. Sometimes high heels aren't the only thing that makes a girl feel taller. However, unlike most bullies, I acknowledge my own geekish tendancies...especially where certain novels are concerned. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Lord of the Rings or something nerdtacular like that. To which I reply, "bleh". No, my weakness/obsession surrounds the three well-known novels Pride and Prejudice, Dr. Zhivago (my favorite) and Jane Eyre. Glorious, glorious stories.

So I'm a romantic. Shut up. In my defense, though, I only really appreciate the semi-tragic to fully-tragic ones. The fully-tragic being the best...which is why Dr. Zhivago is my favorite.

There have been several cinematic interpretations of all three novels...Dr. Zhivago being (in my opinion) the most successful. You really can't fuck that story up. It could be an animated version with stick figures speaking Spanish and it would still be an amazing fucking story. A fucking amazing story. Yes, that sounds better. Less X-Rated. Pride and Prejudice...well...all I really have to say about that is "Colin Firth". You know what I'm talking about, ladies.

So last night was Masterpiece Theater night (which I also love...shut up) and they played Part 1 of a new adaptation of Jane Eyre. I've seen just about every adaptation (except for the one with Orson Welles on account 'a I can't find it) and have come to the conclusion that each and every one of them blew. I mean...William Hurt?!?! C'mon! You may as well pin fairy wings on his back to make him seem manlier, so non-manly is he. But last night...last night I saw a Mr. Rochester fitting of his title. And I've put his picture upon this blog so that I might drool a little, every time I have to glance at the top of this page. You may drool as well. I will allow it. I thought about trying to affix my face onto "Jane's"...but I have no idea how to do that. That's what imaginations are for, anyway.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know the story...I know that Mr. Rochester is supposed to be much older and ragged looking. But fuck that. This new Rochester is hot. And if I wanted to watch a story about two ugly people who fall in love...I'd read the book. I think you'd all agree with me that watching ugly people in love stories goes against the very nature of the cinematic romance. I mean, who really wants to watch William Hurt play one of the most romantic men of all time? No one, that's who. Just stop a moment and look at this guy! Have you EVER seen such a misuse of the mutton chop in your LIFE? I think not. Shame on you, Mr. Hurt. Shame on you and all you stand for.



Then there's this guy. We're not even going into this travesty. Wrong wrong wrong!












Ahh, there we are. The world is right once more.

Now, I get a lot of flack from my friends, Amy S. in particular, for my total and complete derision of all films that fit into the Romantic Comedy genre. They drive me CRAZY. If I have to watch Meg Ryan bat her botoxed eyes at Tom Hanks ONE MORE TIME...well, let's just say someone will be hurt.

But these stories are different. The heroines are strong, or plain, or intelligent in a time when intelligence was the least valued female asset. They have demons, have been abused and are trapped in a life they're unsatisfied with...and they all persevere. They're fantastic women.


As for the men...well...they're just hot. Fiery. Passionate. And they love these women for all the reasons that others consider them unworthy of the love. With the exception of William Hurt. The pansy.

Now...Part 2 is this Sunday. Anyone who calls me during the hours of 9PM-11PM Pacific Standard Time...will be dead to me.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Jennifer said...

Dude is hot. Rakish I believe is the word. And romantic comedies are ok, you just have to watch the right ones, e.g., not Tom and Meg getting it on via the world wibe web. Oh, and the neighbor must die.

Jennifer said...

wibe. I suck.

froelica said...

Yeah, I'm not diggin' that guy so much. I'm not really into the whole burly, muscular, manly, "man" look.
Muscles turn me off, I don't like broad shoulders, deep voices, beards, tall dudes, etc. As my mom said, "I don't trust any man without at least a little bit of a beer-gut."

This explains James.

Kara said...

jen - and rakish he is. is it hot in here?

fro - ok, these pictures don't really do him justice, but he's my absolute IDEAL! Pasty, tall, slender without being a heroine addict (the exception would be Ewan in Trainspotting), and a gorgeous British accent to talk dirty to me with...oh yeah, and UK citizenship to get me OUT of this fucking country. Must find one like him...MUST!

froelica said...

I agree on the Ewan part. And the whole leaving-the-U.S. thing too. Hmmm.....

Laura said...

Maybe it's just me, but the first impression I got seeing the photo at the top of your post was that he looks like Ed Helms with mutton chops, minus the glasses. I think it's mainly the eyes and the quizzical look he's giving the photographer. It's the same eyebrow furrow as Ed Helms does on the DS.

And sorry, but I must strongly disagree with you on Dr. Zhivago. Granted I've never read the book so I can't critique the story, but I couldn't even get through the movie. Booooooooooooring. I made it halfway and was bored to tears. Amelie has to be my favorite romance movie of all time, and it doesn't even have a tragic ending. C'est magnifique!

froelica said...

I think he looks like Beast. Or at least he looks like Meatloaf playing Beast in his video. Check it out here. I laughed so hard the first time I saw this I cried. Granted, I was drunk at the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izjC4eG49lE

Kara said...

fro - tread softly here, lady...you don't go callin' my new man MEATLOAF! Oh what the hell...yes, that video is hilarious. I remember when it came out, you were but a pea. And I was skinnier.

laura - Ed Helms???? He's way cuter (though less funny) than Ed Helms. You just don't understand true romance...I mean, Amelie is good and all...but Dr. Zhivago is timelessly tragic. They just dont' make shit like that anymore. DAMNIT!

A chuisle said...

"Pride and Prejudice...well...all I really have to say about that is "Colin Firth". You know what I'm talking about, ladies."

I do. I so so do. Sigh...wet fancy british shirtness.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yes, that Jane Eyre 3-parter was damn good, I admit. Rochester reminded me of the better sort of gorilla and you can just feel Jane's passionate young heart thumping away beneath the bodice. Yet, there is no way that pure-hearted girl is going to give it up before her wedding night. Did you ever have dreams of being like Jane, Kara?

Kieran said...

Jane was too ugly. Bit of a fucktard in fact.
I thought everyone back then was gorgeous, something to do with the Corn Laws or something.

Kara said...

macoosh - YES! I wore out my VHS...you know, the things before DVDs.

goranas - Being like Jane? No. Not really. I don't often try to imagine myself replacing the women in the story so much as I try to imagine meeting a Mr. Rochester at my local bar. Needless to say, that hasn't worked out that well for me so far.

Kieran - that's ok, though...cause it helps us "average" looking people feel like WE can find Mr. Rochesters too! Yay! Which is how we'll all end up alone.

Oh, and I can see that you've got a new favorite word. Go forth and spread the verbal wealth with my blessing.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Perhaps that's because you're in the wrong country, Kara. Consider applying for a position as a 'dame' in Eton College. The boys would just love being bossed around by a sassy American lady, and there might be a few Rochesters amongst the masters (or even the older boys). I think there's a market for your unusual brand of feminine charm in England.

AxAtlas said...

Don't forget about this Mr. Rochester!:
http://thejcmoney.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/__mr._rochester___j.c._money.jpg

slaghammer said...

Ooops, I thought this was the men’s room, how embarrassing, I’m so sorry, I’m just going to back out and shut the door, ok…

Kara said...

goranas - Ooooh...maybe I'll employ you to help me with my resume. I mean, I'm sure there are other women vying for such a position with a lot more than "an unusual form of feminine charm" (which I translate as "bitchiness that is occasionally funny") to recommend them. And you appear to be at least half British based on your adding extra pointless letters to alot of your words, so you probably have an in. What d'ya say?

ax - I'm warning you...don't make me get out my banning stick.

slag - Weak sauce! I'm sure your confident enough in your masculinity to acknowledge the fact that Mr. Rochester is manhot.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'd be proud to help you in any way I can, Kara. I'm sure no one in England would call you 'bitchy'. You'd be more like a high-spirited filly that's fun to....no scratch that. I mean you'd be like one of those feisty American comediennes. Joan Rivers perhaps. But young and attractive, of course.

slaghammer said...

I accept your challenge. By the mighty hand of Zeus (that’s what I call my right hand) I am confident enough to admit that your Mr. Rochester is cut like a 7-bone Pot Roast, lean, tough as boot leather, as inviting to me as a kite string casserole and as you say, manhot (in the asexual sense of the word). ;-)