I'm not a "morning person". This morning I had to get up at 5:45. There are supposedly people who do this all the time...even when they don't have to. Those people are fucktards. I have no time for those people. The bus was packed...I had to stand really close to a cute guy...but that didn't make me feel any better about being up before dawn. Oh no. Standing on the #4...I started thinking about "morning people" and "night people" and which side I identified with while tucked there behind an elderly woman with the smell of death about her. And I decided this...neither. I am neither a "morning person", nor a "night owl". I dislike being up before 9AM, but unless there's some sort of wild activity taking place...I will most likely fall fast asleep no later than 1AM. So I'm guessing that makes me a "midday person". I'm going to stop putting things in quotes, because frankly...I'm annoying myself. Anyway, a profound sense of calm has come over me since I've solved this philosophical debacle. I have no more questions about the universe. Nope. Everything has been solved. AND I'm eating orange flavored cranberries. Did you even know such a thing existed? I bet you didn't. Blew your mind just now, didn't I.
Oh, and I was on the news last night, I think. Walking down the sidewalk (looking down so as prevent falling upon my ass whilst tromping through snow) (is 'tromping' a word? it's funny looking) (of course it is, for the love of jebus...enough) and I hear this woman speaking very loudly. Since there's no one else around, I assumed she was speaking to me...though it was strange because she wasn't facing me...in fact, she was walking very systematically away from me. So I just looked at her with a what-the-fuck-is-your-malfunction look. That's when I saw the bright light she was walking towards. Heaven's lights? No. Those are just a myth anyway. It was a news camera. And I was looking at it like it just shot me. In other words...like an ass. So, I have that going for me.
And just so you all know, falafels are nasty. They look like deep fried testicles. And they're like eating a potted plant. You can NOT convince me otherwise. You can try, but you will fail, and I will mock you. And I know some of you will try. You know who you are.
That's really all I have to say at the moment. I'm actually extraordinarily busy here at work...but...you know...I hate my job.
Oooh, someone needs a nap.
19 keep(s) me blogging:
ok. normally i wouldn't do this, but this one's hilarious so i have to point it out... especially since i'm the first commenter (or i am as i'm writing this).
"They look like deep friend testicles."
that's priceless.
now, more about me. i'm also not a morning or night person. i'm an in-betweener too. just thought you'd like to know. or not. what the fuck do i care?
friend testicles... that's hilarious.
d - I'm afraid I do not know to what spelling mistake you are referring. I see no spelling error. I SEE NO SPELLING ERROR.
Deep friend testicles. That's something that Vanilla Joe would get a real hardy har har out of and go on and on about. So I say no more about it other than there is no spelling error. I hate my neighbor.
I was thinking they looked more like horse turds. Grandma called them "road apples," in case that matters.
Congrats on your new celebrity status. I'm all jealous and everything.
So falafels taste like a potted plant? And yet you recommended them for my vegetarian frog? Huh.
I noticed that too sarah. I smell a scam. Or possible a friend testicle. Which I'm pretty sure smells something like a combination of B.O., salt, and man-ass.
That was going too far.
However, I don't apologize. That's right, I said it.
On a seperate, and yet related, note-
Mornings are evil. Long live the evening hours!
*hisses at the sun and hastily shuts the blinds*
Wow, that just reminded me of "The Burbs". Those neighbors were creepy.
On a related note, my neighbors are creepy. They rape one another after a good fight. And I have to hear it. Yay for old apartments!
That was a lot of writing. I'm sorry.
Kara, you need to marry a millionaire who wants a wife with a smart mouth. Being a mid-day person is fine in cold climates, but you'd get sun-stroke in the Congo. Like most gorillas, I'm a "cusp-between-very-late-at-night-and-very-early-in-the- morning" ape.
my british friend enjoys falafels. (which we obviously pronounce as fal-a-fells; the fal rhyming w/ pal.) i don't think i could ever eat one. just ain't my thang.
You're my hero, for calling morning people fucktards. Can we burn them? Can we?
jen - I hate your neighbor too. Who really NEEDS to pee that loudly? No one, that's who.
jill - road apples???? What? Why? How? Oh nevermind, it's too good. I don't care if it doesn't make sense.
sarah - well, who's to say I have the same taste in food as your frog? I mean, I'd fucking eat the crickets, wouldn't I...just so I wouldn't even be mistaken for a vegitarian. Damn you, vegitarians.
fro - it's not "rape", it's make-up sex...and everyone knows there's nothing tender about it...and that's why it's the best kind there is. On a seperate and unrelated note...sarah mention coming to the Sapphire Hotel for drinks tonight? The more the merrier. And we're eating cheese!
goranas - well, you just send me his name and number and I'll get right on that. and those are some silly hours you keep, my friend...silly hours. maybe that's just the sunstroke talking.
macoosh - you know how those brits are...and it's good to hear that potted plants aren't your thang...that settles it...I have decided that you WILL be a good travel partner!
kieran - We can, but not before 9AM.
Cheese, eh?..... hmmm...
"Road apples" comes from the days when horse-powered vehicles were the norm, but you can still see them if you live around the Amish, as I did as a kid. From personal observation, I can say that horses have no trouble whatsoever pulling a wagon and pooping at the same time. Which would be how their turds end up on the road. Maybe I should draw a picture or something.
You're just jealous of us morning people...and us falafel eaters.
jill - i FINALLY Get it...the apples are not what's hanging on the horse...the apples FALL from the horse. it's all coming together now.
ax - yes, the jealousy is turning me positively green.
The fried testicles would probably taste good with brussels sprouts on the side (they taste like cooked farts.) Eet smakelijk!
Morning people are cheaters. They go to bed at 5:00pm and then act like they deserve a medal for getting up early. They drink Sanka instant coffee and read newspapers while they eat their dry toast and they try to get you out of bed as if you’ve been sleeping for more than two hours, hate em.
Amen.
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