The other night whilst out with some of my people, the topic of my resolutions came up. Specifically, resolution number 1...which was Stop Buying Shoes.There is a pool that has begun with months in which they believe I will fail. 2 people say February, 1 gives me til March, 1 til May, and 2 think it will be June. They think the sandals will get me. I scoffed at all of them. "I'm an oak!" I yelled. I had to yell. The bar was loud. And Long Island Ice Teas were a $5 special. I KNOW!
This is the thing. January is coming to a close and I've had no desire to buy single pair of shoes. Clothes have been a mite harder, but still...nothing. But in the office today, as I was yanking up my favorite pair of cheap ass black knee high boots...I noticed something was wrong. The right one is getting a hole in it. In a place that no cobbler can mend, however talented he may be (even you, Daniel Day-Lewis).
These boots are cheapity cheap cheap. I got them years ago and I wear them probably 3 times a week (sometimes more, and it makes the other shoes jealous). They're so comfortable and they go with just about everything. They've been with me through thick and thin. On concrete and dirt. In the city and, well...city park. I love these cheap ass boots. So here's my dilemma. I will wear them til they literally fall off my leg. But since that may be sooner, rather than later...once they go...would replacing them count as...well...buying shoes?
23 keep(s) me blogging:
Hmmm, quite the quandary you are in. Wouldn't it be amazing if you knew someone who had the exact same pair of boots in your exact same size? I love the boots too, but for whatever reason they dig into one of my ankles, apparently the fatter one. If worse comes to worse, you may get them from me by purchsing an accessory of my choosing for me. That way the boots are replaced, and you have not broken the resolution. I am sooooo freakin' awesome.
So do amputees have to buy both shoes and throw one away? Or do they get to pay for just one shoe. The store could keep the unsold shoe and sell it to another amputee.. that is, if the second amputee customer had the opposite leg amputated than the first amputee customer. They would both, of course, also have to wear the same shoe size.
One good thing though, you will never see an amputee's shoe hanging from power lines. You need BOTH shoes to accomplish that fete. (note I didn't use "feet", puns are not funny)
Wow, I didn't think I had anything at all to say about this post on shoes. But I did!
How about your ole' shoe boxes? You can wear your ole' shoe boxes like they're shoes....start a trend.
Unless provisions for emergency purchases were written into the pool regulations, it sounds like you’re stuck with what you have. If the boots fail you, rub your feet with lard and then wrap them with duct tape. Bacon grease will do but watch out for the raccoons.
what if you paid someone for a "job" or "favor" and they bought a pair of boots (in your size of course) and lo and behold the boots did not fit them, and they were forced to relinquish ownership to you?
Or, you could just not go anywhere for the rest of the year. You could become housebound in order to keep up your end of the deal.
jennifer diane - that will be the last resort. the last.
apterix - i'm very proud of you! the answer is...amputees go in on shoes together. so they split the cost of one pair and the right shoe goes with the one who lost their right leg, and the left...well, you get the idea.
slag - raccoons are fierce and horribly deceiving creatures. i will buy new shoes and LOSE before i chance attracting on of those little black-eyed mother fuckers.
anon - THAT is a plan. but i can't give you credit for it because i don't know your name. i guess i'll have to take credit for it.
sarah - that's also a plan...however, do you REALLY think i should let myself get any MORE pale? seriously.
In response to apterix55, depending on which foot is missing, amputees could get away with some easy theft from shoeshops...!
I'd like to see a picture of your feet first. If they are dainty, you must certainly buy new footwear.
gledwood - but they can't run away very quickly...so not a lot of them get away with it.
goranas - well that just doesn't have a THING to do with resolutions, does it?
"so they split the cost of one pair and the right shoe goes with the one who lost their right leg, and the left" ....if the right one goes with the one who lost their right leg, wouldn't that still leave them both shoeless?? Details..
Hmmmmm...I was given a rule that if I get a new pair of shoes I have to get rid of one pair. So I say, "REPLACE THE BLASTED BOOTS!"
Since you never specified that replacing existing shoes would not count as buying new ones in your original resolution, then yes, it would be breaking it to buy shoes of any kind, period. I say just wear your boots only while sitting down and change into different shoes for walking. Genius!
Maybe you can find an amputee who owns the same boots in your size, an amputee who's missing the his/her/right leg. And then suppose you could talk said amputee out of the extra boot that he/she doesn't need anyway. That would be well within the rules, as long as no money changed hands. Any other acts you had to perform in exchange for the boot would just be between you and the amputee.
I hate to send you into a life of crime, but if you stole a pair of boots I think that would solve your problem. Just don't get caught, none of us want you to go to the slammer.
anonymous - you anonymous bastard (I say that with love)...take the last part of the equation and reverse it...and then GET OFF MY BACK! I'm kidding. Really. I adore your anonymous self.
kendra - i knew i could count on you. you're my favorite.
laura - genius, huh. Yeah.
jill - you think there's a shoe loving amputee database somewhere that I can access to find the right kind of amputee for my shoe lovin' needs? I mean...isn't this JUST what the internet is for????
anonymous II - i don't want to go to the slammer either...i look terrible in orange and it will greatly diminish my chance at meeting a hot guy to spawn little devils with. but it's a good idea anyway and i thank you for it.
I seem to remember discussing some kind of escape clause for necessity. I think this might merit necessity. Unless you have other boots to wear....
There's one condition, however. The boots can't be cooler or more expensive than the old ones. I think that would work, without breaking any major rules...
I still say May.
It's like you put the whole not knowing one's arse from one's elbow problem (mainly a British problem)into a cosmic blender with an 18th century treatise on The Taco Complex - which argues everybody wants to sleep with Mexican food, and have complicated feelings about it - and hit Whisk.
And it comes out tasting of strawberry.
was that last comment meant for the above post or just horribly ironic?
fro - i will prove you wrong...and when i do...you will have to buy me a cheese platter
sam - but what is the consistency like?
macoosh - what that a rhetorical, philosophical question? if so...then the answer is...roller skates.
Rationalization, rationalization...
The Future
Perhaps you could fashion a new pair of boots yourself. Look around you, can you form some sort of rudimentry lathe?
Wait... you're gonna prove me wrong by making it LONGER than may, or by cracking before may? Cause that's not really fair if its before...
You get new shoes AND a cheese platter? I've never heard of such shenaniganerry.
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