Tuesday, December 26, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

This is important, people. I have to get these down on paper...computer...whatever, or they won't be "REAL". For serious.

And now:


1. Stop Buying Shoes
- I mean it...right now. Nevermind what you just did a half an hour ago because of a free shipping promotion; you're turning over a new leaf and this is that moment. As you reach for those new Steven Madden boots on clearance, you will need to repeat...out loud...your new mantra "scooter/condo...scooter/condo". If reaching turns into buying, you will be forced into Catholicism, made to go to confession, do however many Hail Mary's they tell you to do, go do research to find out exactly what Hail Mary's ARE, and then sit in a pew and eat that dry bread that's supposed to be someone's dead body. Let the punishment fit the crime!

2. Get A New Job
- It's time. You know too much about the Home Shopping Network, and you can recognize Technibond when you see it and you posses the knowledge that one can STILL purchase the Suzanne Somer's Thighmaster, eventhough they had their heyday in 1992. Really, it's not healthy. Any of it. Worst of all...you know who this woman is...and what it is she sells...and it keeps you up at night. It doesn't matter that you adore the people you work with...or that the office is within two blocks of a coffeeshop (3 of them being Starbucks) in every major direction, including diagonals...the fact is, it doesn't pay well, you hate it, the benefits suck, and you die a little every day you go. So get out already.

3. Lose Those 10lbs You Recently Gained Back After Losing Them In Morocco
- It's true...without the help of Ramadan and a 17lb backpack to carry around in the heat, it's hard to keep those pounds off. And with the holiday season placing all manner of baked and chocolate goods under your nose, and then, somehow, into your mouth, it's a wonder you haven't gone up a full stone. Maybe you have, I have no idea what gaining a stone means. Anyway. If you want to keep your calves from being too fat to fit into those Steve Madden boots you AREN'T gonna buy...you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself...with food.

4. Get Yourself Into A Healthy Relationship - No, we're not talking about your cat, her neediness, or how you feel she's holding you back. We're talking about a romantic relationship that doesn't require the acceptance of anything physical that you find exceedingly unattractive or anything emotional that appears to be stunted. Oh, and don't get knocked up.

5. Write Something
, Goddamnit - you know, other than this blog. Use your fucking screenwriting degree and help alleviate the maelstrom of crappy Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson movies. Ick. Oh...and DOWN with Matthew McConaughey! There is something unnatural about where his head meets his shoulders and you all know it. Creepy man. He has an essence of skeez about him.

That's all I have for the moment. I'm sure you noticed "drink less" was missing, and well...that's not open for discussion.

10 keep(s) me blogging:

apterix55 said...

Five is a good number; and quite achievable. Reasonable goals (except the shoes).

Amy said...

I was with you right up until The Holiday bashing, I liked that movie. Though I know you think my taste in movies is questionable, to say the least. So I'm just going to hold my tounge and wait for your truth about romantic comedies screenplay is made into the blockbuster we all know it will be.

Kevin said...

"Don't get knocked up" is a heck of a good resolution.

AxAtlas said...

scooter/condo! scooter/condo! shoeter/condo! scooter/condo!
home shopping network??? oh geez wally! what else? Rachael Ray?

Kara said...

apterix - are you saying trying to not buy shoes as a goal is unreasonable, or that I couldn't possibly NOT buy shoes, and therefor the resolution is unreasonable? If it's the first...then I'm sure you don't understand my relationship with shoes.

amy - somehow I'm not suprised.

kevin - it's only good if I stick to it. And I certainly plan to.

ax - actually, Wolfgang Puck is HSN's chef of choice. You'd know this if you ever WATCHED IT!

froelica said...

I thought I was the only one who was physically (and morally) repelled by ol' Matt McConaughey.
One word: Blech.

And the southern drawl only makes it worse.

thethinker said...

I need to add numbers 1 and 5 to my list.

The Future said...

OK, I absolutely agree with and support all of your resolutions except your afterthought about Matthew McConaughey. I think his neck and shoulders are connected perfectly and his southern accent is endearing. I know what you're thinking, I also have been known to read the books with women running from the mansion in long nightgowns with hair streaming behind them. So based on that, you think I don't have a worthy opinion? Obviously not. (Don't you love how I can read your mind?) I think I'll go to my own blog to document my own resolutions thereby holding my feet to the fire...good idea.

A chuisle said...

you can do it. you can do it all night long....

aaaand cast me in your films.

slaghammer said...

Gawdammit, regarding number four, forget “healthy.” You need to find an emotionally feeble, peanut-brained runt to kick around, or maybe a hairless oversexed manboy. There are literally herds of these people out there begging to serve as stopgaps during periods of social torpor. Just remember, a well conceived insult is always the best ice breaker.