Friday, December 29, 2006

Hullabaloo


There's been some local hullabaloo in my hood this week. Well, the Ex Systems Administrator's hood, to be precise. Those from the NW probably saw the story, but if anyone else cares...I'll include the link to it here.

I hope you all noticed the headline was, "A City of Portland truck just fell into a giant hole". Hilarious.

Anyway, this happened on the block where Ex Sys. Admin's apartment resides. Can an apartment reside? Well, this one does. The sewer truck was just rumbling along and then...*poof*...down into a giant hole it went. Like my sound effects? The Ex had to evacuate his apartment since there was a gas leak as a result of the impact. The men in the truck are fine. And now, there is a giant hole in the middle of the street.

I walked over there last night (without my camera like a compl
ete dillhole) and was amazed by how deep, dark, and INCREDIBLY creepy it was. I haven't seen a lot of horror movies in my life (I'm a wus...this is a well known fact), but it seems to me that there are quite a few that begin at night with a giant, deep hole in the ground. Usually the workmen get eaten first...and then the general public. And then Jennifer Love Hewitt runs around screaming in a tight top. It must suck to be a city employee, knowing you will always be the first one eaten. There were no workmen there last night. That could mean they've already been eaten and the sewer monster has escaped and is among us. Or it could mean that their shift was over and they went home. But that's just silly.

Anyway, I took pictures of it with my phone. They're incredibly hard to see, so I'll have to explain them:

The giant light shining comes from this big crane-like thing hanging over the hole. I guess it's for pedestrians who somehow don't notice the caution tape or the metal fence and are suddenly like "oops, what's this?". It's nice to know someone's looking out for those people.

Or maybe the light is to keep the monster down in the hole. Maybe it's afraid of the light.

But what you're seeing is the manhole. It is still intact. I enjoy writing the word "manhole". Everyone just take a moment and say "manhole" out loud. That was my gift to you. The shaft (also a great word) is made entirely of brick, something you can't see in this shitty picture. It's hard to see how deep the thing went, but it was pretty deep. There wasn't a very strong concrete to dirt ratio. Makes the whole world seem less stable, if you ask me.

Here you get a better idea of deepness. You can see the curb/sidewalk on the right...gives you some perspective. Standing out there in the cold, dark, with just the wind howling and a little water trickling out of the broken pipe, it was eerie. I figured I would be eaten right then and there. But then, I wasn't. This helps support my theory that the monster has already escaped. Mothers...keep your wee ones inside tonight. Fathers...take your darts out of the dart board and be at the ready. There will be battles on the foyers of Portland this night.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Jennifer said...

Do all Portland dads have darts and dart boards? I knew there was something wacky about this place... A new guy moved into the apartment next to mine. I give him one week to stop making too much noise, then I am visiting the local 151 of Portland Dads and borrowing some darts. This new tenant has to learn. Why did my landlord rent to a man? They always make more noise. I need a neighbor that is near death and doesn't move a lot. I am on a tangent. I can't help it.

Ryan said...

It does suck to be a City Sewer employee, but, at any given time one City Sewer employee must be dating Jennifer Love Hewitt, so that she can be on hand to run around in the tight shirt. So, they have that going for them.

apterix55 said...

A big hole in the ground. Marvelous. Ah the excitement of living in the "Big City".

Kara said...

jen - the ones without guns have darts. duh. i'm sorry your neighbor isn't hot. my neighbor is hot. but he lives with his girlfriend. neither of us have any luck.

ryan - you're gonna quit and become a city employee now, aren't you.

apterix - YOU'RE just jealous YOU don't have a hole in YOUR neighborhood. Don't forget to pick me up tonight!

froelica said...

I'm with you on the monster theory. But may I suggest the possibility of ZOMBIES being the menace that has escaped from the sewery hole in our fine city?

Think about that for a minute, and begin preparing for the fight of your un-chewed-on life!

Jill said...

Someone quick and clever should start filming a horror movie there. Think of the possible savings in set construction expenses....

AxAtlas said...

Totally tubular sound effects!

Robt. said...

What a great hole story!

Orhan Kahn said...

Now thats a freakin' hole!

The Future said...

On the (w)hole, I enjoyed your narrative and your "shitty" pics. Just wait until you get a new phone! Perhaps the photo quality will be good enough to warrant you a Pulitzer!

Doug said...

oh my god! that's one of my biggest fears! driving along and then having my car swallowed by a giant hole and then being carried off by a hole monster, never to be seen again.

i'm never coming to portland. unless there are cheap flights and there's a good team playing against the trailblazers and i get good seats. but otherwise, never coming to portland.

INAMINI said...

Maybe add "maneater" to the list of fun words to savor slowly?

sarah said...

I'm still enjoying the paragraph with "manhole, shaft and deep". Good. Mmmm. Yeah.

A chuisle said...

your posts always make me giggle. thanks for giving me the manhole.

and shaft. :)

-macoosh:)

slaghammer said...

You can’t have a horror movie without co-eds. They have to all go separate directions and then be eaten, or whatever, one at a time. This is a highly irregular breach of protocol.

Kara said...

Where to begin? Deep breath...

Fro - there's a name for your zombie fetish. I don't know what it is, but Dan Savage addressed it in Savage Love once. Love that column.

Jill - I'm neither since I went away and they closed the damn thing faster than you can say "there'samonsterinthattheredamnoldhole". Alas.

Ax - your comment bears the stench of sarcasm. Thanks for your New Years text.

Robt - you've been waiting your hole life to say that line, haven't you? Har har har.

Orhan - You bet your ass it is...they don't make holes like that down under where you live, do they? This is a fresh, American, Northwesterner hole.

Future - you're just biased. And I loves ya for it. And I loves ya for your cold tile floor.

Doug - I've been trying to get you your picture, I swear it. No one seems to be going to the games lately. Guess you and T will have to go on vacation and see a game yourself. They love to lose to all the big teams.

Inamini - I like the way you think. And major surgery is not an excuse for such a long absence. For shame.

Sarah - Next to a stethascope it was the best gift I could think of.

Macoosh - Well, as long as someone gets a giggle out of the wreckage that is my stream of consciousness. Then I've done my job.

Slag - You are correct. Serious breach of protocol. But I say Damn the Man...Save the Empire! And you will have no idea what that means unless you are into bad late nineties teen-angst record store movies.

Ryan - I'm gonna copy your comment and repost it without our company name attached...you know, so we don't get fired. :)

Kara said...

Ryan (deleted for R's sake) said...

"you're gonna quit and become a city employee now, aren't you."

Yes, but not because I want to date Jennifer Love-HewlettPackard. Because I want a job that doesn't make me feel filthy and slimey at the end of the day. City Sewer Worker would be a step up from (deleted to ensure job security...unemployment sucks)

froelica said...

It's not a fetish so much as paralyzing fear, and a complete fascination with my paralyzing fear of a non-existant thing.

Or do they?.....