A Christmas Date Rape Carol

Baby It's Cold Outside
The Creepiest and Most Effed Up Christmas Carol Ever

HER -- HIM

I really can't stay -- Baby it's cold outside
("You're not gonna get any tonight" -- "Says you")
I've got to go away -- Baby it's cold outside
("I have a curfew" -- "They won't notice")
This evening has been -- Been hoping that you'd drop in
("It's nice that you bought me dinner..." -- "Dinner ain't free")
So very nice -- I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
("...but that's all you bought, buddy" -- "movin' in for physical contact")
My mother will start to worry -- Beautiful, what's your hurry
("Bringing up mother will kill the mood" -- "I've got your hand, you're going nowhere")
My father will be pacing the floor -- Listen to the fireplace roar
("...with a shotgun" -- "No woman can resist a fireplace")
So really I'd better scurry -- Beautiful, please don't hurry
("Ooooh, a fireplace..." -- "That's right...a fireplace")
well Maybe just a half a drink more -- Put some music on while I pour
("What's one little drink going to hurt?" -- "Let me just slip this little roofie in here...")

The neighbors might think -- Baby, it's bad out there
("...that I'm a harlot" -- "That's right, honey, let it take effect")
Say, what's in this drink -- No cabs to be had out there
("Woah, the room is spinning" -- "No one can save you now, my little chickadee")
I wish I knew how -- Your eyes are like starlight now
("Strange how blurry everything is" -- "Look at those pupils dilate...beautiful")
To break this spell -- I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
("Must resist...oooh, a fire..." -- "That's right, my pretty...take off that hat")
I ought to say no, no, no, sir -- Mind if I move a little closer
("...must resist...warm fire...resist..." -- "Let's just put this hand under your blouse here")
At least I'm gonna say that I tried -- What's the sense in hurting my pride
("Oh well...spinning fireplaces are pretty" -- "And now the other one...")
I really can't stay -- Baby don't hold out
("It feels like there are eight hands under my shirt...this isn't right" -- "Oh no you don't")
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go -- Baby, it's cold outside
("Spinning or not...eight hands is just wrong" -- "Just let the pill do its thing, baby")
The answer is no -- Ooh baby, it's cold outside
("I cannot have sex with an eight handed man..." -- "Remember the fireplace...")
This welcome has been -- I'm lucky that you dropped in
("...think of what our children would look like" -- "and how much you like it")
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
("My, but those eight hands are warm...and they tickle" -- "If you can even find the window")
My sister will be suspicious -- Man, your lips look so delicious
("The jealous bitch" -- "I just want to bite them")
My brother will be there at the door -- Waves upon a tropical shore
("He's gay, but he gives a mean indian burn" -- "Mmmm, Lip Smackers")
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious -- Gosh your lips look delicious
("She's catholic" - "I'll start with the lower one")
Well maybe just a half a drink more -- Never such a blizzard before
("The other half" -- "Let's find out how this zipper works")

I've got to go home -- Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
("Oh God...are there nine hands now?" -- "Oh look, it opens just fine")
Say, lend me your comb -- It's up to your knees out there
("With one of your hands" -- "And you're skirt's down to your knees")
You've really been grand -- Your eyes are like starlight now
("What's happened to my skirt?" -- "What skirt?")
But don't you see -- How can you do this thing to me
("He's taken it off with one of his eight freakish hands!" -- "No more talk")
There's bound to be talk tomorrow -- Making my life long sorrow
("...but I'll just tell them about all the hands and the spinning fireplace..." -- "It's time to put out")
At least there will be plenty implied -- If you caught pneumonia and died
("...they'll understand..." -- "Yes, this is a subtle threat")
I really can't stay -- Get over that old out
("...that I had no choice...why's everything going dark?" -- "And down you go")
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I've probably just ruined that song forever for my mother. Sorry mother.

Here's a short visual interpretation I found on YouTube (the man singing is Tom Jones...just to make it EXTRA skeezy):