Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A Christmas Date Rape Carol

Baby It's Cold Outside
The Creepiest and Most Effed Up Christmas Carol Ever


HER -- HIM
I really can't stay -- Baby it's cold outside
("You're not gonna get any tonight" -- "Says you")
I've got to go away -- Baby it's cold outside
("I have a curfew" -- "They won't notice")
This evening has been -- Been hoping that you'd drop in
("It's nice that you bought me dinner..." -- "Dinner ain't free")
So very nice -- I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
("...but that's all you bought, buddy" -- "movin' in for physical contact")
My mother will start to worry -- Beautiful, what's your hurry
("Bringing up mother will kill the mood" -- "I've got your hand, you're going nowhere")
My father will be pacing the floor -- Listen to the fireplace roar
("...with a shotgun" -- "No woman can resist a fireplace")
So really I'd better scurry -- Beautiful, please don't hurry
("Ooooh, a fireplace..." -- "That's right...a fireplace")
well Maybe just a half a drink more -- Put some music on while I pour
("What's one little drink going to hurt?" -- "Let me just slip this little roofie in here...")

The neighbors might think -- Baby, it's bad out there
("...that I'm a harlot" -- "That's right, honey, let it take effect")
Say, what's in this drink -- No cabs to be had out there
("Woah, the room is spinning" -- "No one can save you now, my little chickadee")
I wish I knew how -- Your eyes are like starlight now
("Strange how blurry everything is" -- "Look at those pupils dilate...beautiful")
To break this spell -- I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
("Must resist...oooh, a fire..." -- "That's right, my pretty...take off that hat")
I ought to say no, no, no, sir -- Mind if I move a little closer
("...must resist...warm fire...resist..." -- "Let's just put this hand under your blouse here")
At least I'm gonna say that I tried -- What's the sense in hurting my pride
("Oh well...spinning fireplaces are pretty" -- "And now the other one...")
I really can't stay -- Baby don't hold out
("It feels like there are eight hands under my shirt...this isn't right" -- "Oh no you don't")
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I simply must go -- Baby, it's cold outside
("Spinning or not...eight hands is just wrong" -- "Just let the pill do its thing, baby")
The answer is no -- Ooh baby, it's cold outside
("I cannot have sex with an eight handed man..." -- "Remember the fireplace...")
This welcome has been -- I'm lucky that you dropped in
("...think of what our children would look like" -- "and how much you like it")
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
("My, but those eight hands are warm...and they tickle" -- "If you can even find the window")
My sister will be suspicious -- Man, your lips look so delicious
("The jealous bitch" -- "I just want to bite them")
My brother will be there at the door -- Waves upon a tropical shore
("He's gay, but he gives a mean indian burn" -- "Mmmm, Lip Smackers")
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious -- Gosh your lips look delicious
("She's catholic" - "I'll start with the lower one")
Well maybe just a half a drink more -- Never such a blizzard before
("The other half" -- "Let's find out how this zipper works")

I've got to go home -- Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
("Oh God...are there nine hands now?" -- "Oh look, it opens just fine")
Say, lend me your comb -- It's up to your knees out there
("With one of your hands" -- "And you're skirt's down to your knees")
You've really been grand -- Your eyes are like starlight now
("What's happened to my skirt?" -- "What skirt?")
But don't you see -- How can you do this thing to me
("He's taken it off with one of his eight freakish hands!" -- "No more talk")
There's bound to be talk tomorrow -- Making my life long sorrow
("...but I'll just tell them about all the hands and the spinning fireplace..." -- "It's time to put out")
At least there will be plenty implied -- If you caught pneumonia and died
("...they'll understand..." -- "Yes, this is a subtle threat")
I really can't stay -- Get over that old out
("...that I had no choice...why's everything going dark?" -- "And down you go")
Ahh, but it's cold outside

I've probably just ruined that song forever for my mother. Sorry mother.

Here's a short visual interpretation I found on YouTube (the man singing is Tom Jones...just to make it EXTRA skeezy):





12 keep(s) me blogging:

Jennifer said...

Well I must say you have out done yourself this time. Bravo. Now I am going to go destroy all my Dean Martin CDs. Damn you.

ty said...

With the "Chickadee" line all I can think of is W.C. Fields making the moves. Now that's disgusting, considering he's been dead for decades.

apterix55 said...

I haven't seen such intense analysis of lyrics since my college roommate and I forced his record player to play "Revolution No. 9" backward in an attempt to decipher if Paul was really dead. We runined a prefectly good stereo later to find out Paul was very much alive.

Lesson learned, we didn't waste any valuable drinking time on "I am the egg man, I am the egg man, I am the Walrus.. goo goo kajube".

The Future said...

First of all, I have to say that W.C. Fields was disgusting when he was alive, let alone dead. Secondly, I hope you have gotten this out of your system and you don't start dissecting any more of the Christmas carols I like. You could really mess up my holiday you know.

Kara said...

jen - well, the captain needs to go down with the ship. whatever the hell that means

ty - i don't know if he was lecherous...but i'd like to think so.

apterix - college has ruined me forever...i analyze EVERYTHIING.

future - it's all about YOU this christmas season, is it?

Laura said...

A very astute interpretation. Who knew Christmas songs were so subversive? I mean, take the Chipmunks' song "Please Christmas, Don't Be Late." Everyone knows the term "hula hoop" is just Alvin's code for "a bag of weed."

AxAtlas said...

Eh on Tom Jones singing this classic...welp, at least it's not Michael Jackson singing it with a visual interpre...eh. Nevermind...um, so how y'all doin'?

Oh and I accept your 11pm (your time) apology for the spamming.

sarah said...

Wow. Sick puppy.

slaghammer said...

Yeah, bestiality, that’s what the Christmas Industrial Complex is all about.

INAMINI said...

I think I've been slimed. Yuck.

Kara said...

laura - you would know...sinner

ax - random text, yo.

sarah - who, me? I'M the sick puppy? i didn't write the song, damnit!

slag - that's so icky. icky.

inamini - there's not enough hand sanitizer in the world, i'm telling you.

Orhan Kahn said...

Very effed up!