Friday, September 28, 2007

I'm On My Second Corona

And it's only 1:04 PM! Though I mostly hate my job and company and life...sometimes, there are perks. Like today. Today one of the depts set up a taco bar in their cubeland with Coronas et. al. I like this. I like the way they think. They'll go far, that team.

We used to have random margarita or beer Fridays, but those had waned into almost never. So this is nice. Especially when I go to check what the weather will be like for the next couple of days and I see this:

Boo! All you people wanting to move to this state...look above and consider yourselves warned. WARNED.

I should be working. I have things to do. But I don't want to work. I can't focus on anything lately. I'm bored. I'm bored with this place. But don't tell them. I currently get to do a lot of blog reading.

So, does anyone else hate Crocs? I do! Fucking ugly ass shoes. They make shoes look bad. Well, let me amend that to they make buying shoes look bad. To turn to someone and say "I have several pairs of Crocs" is not a's an admission that you think brightly colored, holey rubber looks good on your feet. Shame on you. You shouldn't be allowed to vote. And there's all these "styles" now...mary janes...ballet flats...nuh uh. Someone needs to nip this shit in the bud.

What you see below is something called "suede-vamp Crocs". I don't know if any of you have ever heard the word "vamp" before in your lives, but if you have, you'd know that the definition of the word doesn't land anywhere near what is pictured below. What's pictured below is what happens when "vamp" gets old, whithers and dies...or retires to a home. I, personally, would like to hand feed these to sharks. That's how much I hate them.

The next set below offend me on a different level. Let's examine that, shall we? First of all...Crocs are not traditionally Winter wear. They're meant for gardening...yard work...weeding...taking out the Summer trash...etc. They have holes in them...this lets rain and cold air in. They are not meant to cross over. This shouldn't have to be debated. It should be obvious. At the beginning of October, they go in the closet and don't come back out.

Crocs (TM) is trying to fuck with that. Nevermind the holes! Nevermind the rubber! We'll just stuff fleece in them and call them the Winter Crocs! No dice, people. What you end up with is an all-around evil shoe. The reasons for this are twofold:
1. There are still holes in the shoes, people! Have you ever worn wet fleece? NOT PLEASANT.
2. They're even uglier with the fleece. Get me? Uglier. It's like one of those man/woman people in the circus. A freak of nature.

Blah blah blah, don't buy Crocs. Now they're trying to get kids to wear them. Except that I read somewhere yesterday that sometimes the kid Crocs can get caught in escalators and cause all sorts of horrible accidents resulting in stumps. True story. I just can't remember where I read it, so I can't link it. But it's true.

God, I'm bored. Maybe I should start giving advice. That might be interesting. I mean, I know stuff about shit. Why shouldn't I be an advice giver?

I think until I get the Condicast going again, that'll be my shtick. So, me questions and I'll answer them and junk.'ll need an email address, won't you.

jivecooky at

Let's see if anyone emails. I'll do it once a week to start with. Then...if people keep emailing...maybe I'll do it more. But, you know, I doubt that will happen. And it can be anonymous or whatevs. I don't care. I'm just bored...and halfway through my second Corona.

20 keep(s) me blogging:

Jahooni said...

I won't buy Crocs... TRUST ME and I will have be havin a Corona myself in just a few minutes....
You can give me advise on "shit" anytime...
oh yah, found your blog from Gorilla Banana's... will be back!

Rachel said...

Thank you for expressing so perfectly what I feel for those hedious rubber monstrosities that should never have been called a "shoe".

I HATE Crocs! Oooooo, do I hate them!!!!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hah! I knew I'd get you a new reader if I linked you enough. Free service,
Miss, don't mention it. As for crocs, better on your feet than in my river is what I say. You have a habit of only thinking about yourself.

apterix55 said...

What if they made Crocks with high heels?? I'll bet you would be in a mental conflict them, no?

thethinker said...

I hate Crocs with a passion. My sister has a pair of HOT PINK crocs. If you're going to get shoes that look that ugly, you shouldn't try to draw attention to yourself with a color that bright.

The Future said...

You can't kid me, you'd never get that close to sharks.

Beerspitnight said...

Keep drinking those beers and tequila - maybe those shoes will start to look good.

Sarah said...

Even my kids know that crocs are evil. Hayden embarrassingly calls them out every time we see someone wearing them. He has learned that he needs to whisper now.

Kara said...

jahooni - i give you a 'woohoo' and a 'welcome!' in that order, even.

rachel - yes...i am the ambassador of hate where crocs are concerned.

goranas - i wondered about that, actually. i figured other places in the world had peeping toms and asshats that try to swallow rattle snakes...but now i see you were just trying to explain how someone from such a bizarre part of the world could turn out so charming and eloquent. bless your hairy heart.

apterix - i'm insulted. you know me better than that. they'd have to be REALLY cute heels to make it possible to look past the whole 'crocs' aspect.

thinker - the waif has some of them too. i forgive her because she buys me awesome things on my birthday.

future - you're probably right...horrible dead eyes.

beerspitnight - um...apparently you don't know women. and by that blanket statement i mean to say that you don't know me...there are no beer goggles strong enough that would allow me to wake up with those next to me on the pillow and not want to immediately shower in rubbing alcohol. what i'm trying to tell you about myself is that i'm melodramatic.

sarah - and that's why i adore hayden.

C said...

My initial reaction to seeing fleece-lined Crocs online was something like, "Somebody got really creative with Photoshop." They are so ugly as to be unreal and when something's that awful somehow you have to see more just to see how bad it gets. I went to their website. *shudder* They should be fined by our government or Anna Wintour. There was one cute pair of Mary Janes in purple and a really nice shade of blue, but it'll take more than that for them to pay their dues to society.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I will only don crocs after my second coronary. I vow it.

Gorilla Bananas said...

"i figured other places in the world had peeping toms and asshats that try to swallow rattle snakes..."

It's always a pleasure to link you, of course, but you really do seem to live in a kinky part of the planet...

Orhan Kahn said...

I swear, you better answer my damn question or I will cry. Do you want my tears on your hands!

AxAtlas said...

At least it's not acid rain.
You should watch consumers buy Crocs at those mall kiosks in suburbia. It's too funny. Just try it...with a Corona.

Kevin said...

My kids LOVE their crocs.

I can't stand the fucking things.

Laurie said...

In addition to Crocs, I also don't like:

- dansko man clogs (esp. when worn to the office for an IT job..Ugh)
- goodyear river rafting Keen shoes (esp. when worn to the office for an IT job..Ugh)

Just sayin'

nic said...

1. Screw the rain! It's green ALL YEAR ROUND!

2. I don't own crocks. I did, however, get a pair for the short. They gave him blisters. Poor bugger.

3. You're lucky. I don't think I'll ever see a beer during my work day. Seeing that I got drunk off of ONE manhattan this weekend, it's probably better if they never give me alcohol, especially during elementary school hours.


Jill said...

Fleece? On Crocs?? Please tell me somebody photoshopped those. Crocs have HOLES in them. I may as well wear my fleece house-slippers to work. That is just wrong. WRONG!

Laura said...

Yeah, ok, I admit it. I've got a pair. And they're hot "flamingo" pink (they were a gift, the color was not my choice). But I got them before they got all "hip" or whatever. And I use them solely for their intended purpose -- gardening. And perhaps the occasional jaunt to the farmer's market, because who really cares about what farmers think of my choice in footwear. But that's where I draw the line. They're not to leave the house under any other circumstances. I'm not a complete loser.

As for those wool-lined monstrosities, words utterly fail me... They look like something Gob would wear. Or maybe Tobias. In "flamingo".

Kara said...

C - you now must go rinse your retinas with some sort of cleansing solution

sam - i'm going to hold you to that. i don't know how, but i am.

goranas - really? sheesh. and i really mean that.

or - i will i will! and that's not cause you're the only one who sent one in.

ax - they have those here too...lloyd center. you know, the hood where you want to LIVE.

kevbo - you need to fight the good fight, man. throw those things OUT and then tell the kids that the tooth fairy took them. did you READ the article about the ESCALATOR? STUMPS, man!

laurie - YES. in THAT order.

nic - screw the rain, eh? you like wool? yeah? guess what wet wool smells like. yeah. you like leather? suede? get those wet...reeeeeally nice. all oregonians should be allowed to wear is rubber...just, you know, not in croc form.

jill - yes. you see now that we must build an army to rise up against this fashion tyranny.

waif - yuh huh. i know you wear them. but i also know you have your limits, so you can stay.