Monday, January 07, 2008

A Day In Pants Is A Day Wasted.

You know, reading all you people's blogs at night is exhausting. I hope you appreciate me.

I took a picture of my haircut this morning as I was getting ready for work. I don't know how well you can see its rock 'n rollness from that vantage point...but just know that there are 8 MILLION layers. And I never exaggerate. Never. Ignore that sweater, though...I don't know why I'm wearing it. It makes me look like some sort of giant green shrub. Fugly.

One set of parents are in Mexico right now. I currently hate them. But only superficially...because I could never hate them. It's just the pea green talking. Kansas and I leave for Romania, Hungary and whatnot in a little less than a month. I suppose I should start thinking about places to stay. I'd be such a shitty travel agent. Do those still exist? Wait. I don't care.

I was thinking about something today...and I'm wondering if you would find it as profound as I did. Probably not...but play along. Last year, at this time my bedtime ritual went as follows:
1. Brush teeth with standard...medium bristled...bright red toothbrush with Crest extra-whitening toothpaste.
2. Take out contacts...put them in their designated case. It's pink.
3. Think about washing face, but don't.

This this bedtime ritual is as follows:
1. Brush my teeth with my Oral B electric powertool toothbrush exactly two minutes with Crest extra-whitening toothpaste.
2. Take out contacts, put them in their designated case. It's white.
3. Floss my gums cruelly and check for ANY sign of bleedage.
4. Make faces in the mirror with cheeks filled with fluoride rinse that you have to keep in for a whole fucking minute. It's purple.
5. Utilize eye makeup remover. It's also purple.
6. Wait for water to get hot...takes about a year.
7. Wash face with ridiculously expensive cleanser that I got from the woman who gave me a facial. She studied skin in Europe...where skin was invented.
8. Follow up with a face serum. I don't know either.
9. Smooth on extremely expensive "Day/Night" cream. It's white.
10. Crawl into bed where Kansas has started and finished watching a feature length film.

You see the difference? Two appointments changed my life forever. Two little appointments to let me know I'm not as young and healthy as I used to be. Two appointments that forced me to look at my lifestyle and find it inadequate. It's been a humbling year.

Men will probably read this and go "what the fuck? no one needs to do all that". And then women will read this and go " think we wake up looking this good? boy you better recognize." And then the women will bitch slap the men and tell them to go fix them a turkey pot pie. Yes, that's how it will go.

Time for a glass of wine. Been suffering a bit of the ol' insomnia lately. I blame nargles.

(oh god, oh god, oh god...that was a severly nerdy Harry Potter reference. you're all going to leave me now, aren't you)

28 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

That's a rock-and-roll haircut? I would have said it's a girl-in-hippy-commune haircut. Maybe that's the same thing. As you're examining your life in such minute detail, my next post will be specifically for you. There will be advice in it. It will be published on Friday - which means you'll get it on Thursday.

Rachel said...

I don't care what Gorannas says: that's an awsome haircut.

And I must say, that if your bedtime routine did not prove just how female you are, your last line with all its paranoid neediness, cinches it! Lol. Its great being a girl. Where's that man with my turkey pot pie? Do I have to make it myself?


Mary Witzl said...

Bless you, Kara, in a decade you'll be wolfing glucosamine capsules, checking out the Mayo Hospital's website, and eagerly scouting health magazines for cheaper gingko biloba extract. It comes to us all, I'm sad to say, but on the bright side, it gives you interesting hobbies. I love those medical websites!

Personally, in my cronage, I've scaled my beauty routine WAY down: a face wash, no-nonsense toothbrushing session and a slap of lotion and I'm finished before my husband has even cleaned up after our pot pies.

Mary Witzl said...

Bless you, Kara, in a decade you'll be wolfing glucosamine capsules, checking out the Mayo Hospital's website, and eagerly scouting health magazines for cheaper gingko biloba extract. It comes to us all, I'm sad to say, but on the bright side, it gives you interesting hobbies. I love those medical websites!

Personally, in my cronage, I've scaled my beauty routine WAY down: a face wash, no-nonsense toothbrushing session and a slap of lotion and I'm finished before my husband has even cleaned up after our pot pies.

Jahooni said...

This WAS GREAT! You are super funny. I do appriciate you staying up endless hours reading our blogs and leaving such meaningfull comments... yadda yadda yadda. Don't we do this to have an excuss to drink over amounts of alcohol?

Hair cut. CUTE! I am trying to grow my bands out like that. But after they get to that certain length that drives me compelety utterly coo coo, then off they go! Every time.

This mad me realize that here I am almost 35 and I don't do those routines on a nightly basis (which OF COURSE I SHOULD BE!)and you are like a teeny bopper and already doing it. Crap. I feel old and ugly now.

Kevin said...

What the fuck? no one needs to do all that.

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Love the new do. Very swish.

The only way to ensure fresh-faced beauty throughout the year is to wash your face in the morning dew on May Day, taking care to avoid rabbit poo, although you can never be wholly sure about rabbit urine.

Kara said...

goranas - it's not as rock 'n roll there because i didn't trick it out. why bother when it's raining?

i get uncomfortable when you write things specifically for me. everyone stares.

rachel - thanks, girl. and yes, you'll have to make it yourself if you don't want it burned.

mary - just out of curiosity...what would consists of a nonsense-filled tooth brushing?

jahooni - you are neither old, nor ugly. banish such thoughts...and if you need a cocktail to speed up the banishing, you know i support you.

bangs are a bitch, though. i'm constantly swiping at these.

kevbo - see? exactly.

DocMtCat said...

Thats funny - I have been blaming nargles too... Hmmmmmm

Oh yeah - I am a guy and I am supposed to be saying WTF?


-Shane (doc)

BTW - I am glad I found your blog - I want to read more.

nic said...

I have two nightime routines. At home: Brush teeth with all natural toothpaste, wash face with burt's bees noxzema, moisturize, and apply eye cream, remove contacts.

At westleys: brush teeth. fall asleep.

Today I went to the girl doctor for the annual girl appointment. The doctor said, "GOSH I thought you were 21! I was going to tell you about the HPV vaccination, but nevermind, you're too old!"

...I guess something's working. Otherwise, I say we should just act the age we feel.

And to be entirely honest, I haven't read any of the Harry Potter. And that's saying something since I'm a library media specialist (getting teaching experience this year)... Bottom line: I can't snub you for being a geek. Like I could do it anyway with your bad ass haircut!

nic said...

And one last thing (as if I'm not already long winded enough)

thanks for taking the time to read all the blogs. And thanks for taking the time to read mine. I appreciate it; you're my best blog-friend. ;)

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Oi! Where's my comment-love? That was a bona fy-dee flippen comment. I mean it was, flippen wasn't it?

I feel like chopped offal.

Waily howly.

Orhan Kahn said...

I think you hair looks just fine. And how you went from 3 steps to 10is beyond me. Sorry to hear about the insomnia but you're not alone, I've been getting to sleep later and later each night, some nights not sleeping at all but rather napping instead.

And yes, I am going to hate you from this point on for making a Harry Potter reference ;)

Kara said...

sam - well my darling impatient one...when i started answering my answers, your comment hadn't appeared yet. it did at the very same moment i posted...making an answer to you simply and physically impossible. i blame nargles for that too. but now you get an extra long response filled with comment love and excuses. and's even FIRST. friends?

doc - welly welly well...dim the lights, take the phone off the hook and grab a bottle of wine because there's an archive section with your name on it!

nic - ditto snookums. i was at the tail end of the HPV vaccine spectrum...made it by the skin of my teeth. it's prolly better that you were too 10 years i'll grow some sort of second head with one eye as a result of getting it. i just know it.

or - you have a woman in your life. ask her. she'll know.

Mac said...

Here's my bedtime ritual....
Get in bed...fall asleep.

Good day!

C said...

You reminded me that I should floss.

Sarah said...

Funny, my bedtime ritual a year ago was more like your current one. Now it's
1. Nurse Kate
2. Wipe the barf off my shoulder
3. Take out contacts
4. Try to make it into bed before falling asleep. (Not cool to wake up on the bathroom floor unless you've had a REALLY good night previously)

Stinkypaw said...

It's so much fun getting, isn't it?! I thought so too!

I might be one of the few, but I do enjoy Harry too much to leave you, I just found you, anyway!

Kara said...

mac - somewhere...out there...your dentist is frowning right now. the kind of frown that involves the eybrows too.

c - yes you better. i had to learn the hard way. now my gums are like iron...IRON! bullets ricochet right off them.

sarah - damnit! i thought for sure i was gonna get a "you forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful" from you. you've failed me...and now you must make me cookies as a penalty.

stinkypaw - no! while i wrote that, i stamped my foot and pouted. i'm glad you like harry potter too. let no man judge who does not himself own a wand (old chinese proverb)

theWaif said...

That bedtime routine is way, way too much work. Mine is to brush my teeth (maybe floss, if I feel up to it) and hop into bed, occasionally wearing the same pair of PJs I'd gone to bed in the previous night. I said occasionally, but yes, I am that lazy at times. It's winter, I don't work and my house is cold. I can't be bothered to change my clothes every single day of the week. And it makes for less laundry, which is a plus.

And what's with the nargles reference? You trying to out-Harry-Potter-nerd me or something? You will not win that battle, tell ya that right now.

Old Knudsen said...

Follow up with a face serum

heh heh, don't get any in yer hair.

I had the nargles once, it burned like razor blades.

Sarah said...

Oh my gosh. I completely intended to quote the whole thing. Ok, to make up for it, here goes from memory:
"Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, free loadin' son of a bitch, retarded, know it all, asshole jerk.
You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
Shut up bitch, go fix me a turkey pot pie.
What about you dad?
Fuck you.
No dad, what about you?
Fuck you!"

Kara said...

waif - ewww. i don't need to hear about your horrible hygiene.

knudsen - how'd you cure it?

sarah - thank you. but you still owe me cookies. besides, i need something to go with all that tea (which is 1/3 gone, thankyouverymuch)

Jahooni said...

Need a new post Kara. I am sure your hair has grown out by now! ;-)

Mary Witzl said...

No nonsense tooth-brushing means about five good minutes of elbow grease put into the activity, followed by flossing and maybe even a little work with a soft wood toothpick. Awful, isn't it? But that's what feeble old gums need.

Well, you did ask!

Kara said...

jahooni - gads, it has been a long time, hasn't it. i'm ON it!

mary - no no no...i wanted to know what a NONSENSE-filled toothbrushing would entail!

Macoosh said...

i love this post. especially the nargles.

Kara said...

it's about time i hear from you, missy.