Friday, January 18, 2008

Someone Needs A Little Drop of Poison

Bad news folks. Yet another budding young actress has earned my scorn.

This may be old news to some, but it’s taken me several days to be able to write these words without throwing up a little in my mouth:

Scarlett Johansson is going to release an album. Of her singing. Tom Waits covers.

Who the FUCK does she think she is?

I’m obviously upset by this news. Like people who were angered by that New York artist who stuck a crucifix in a glass of piss…I kind of feel that this album will be the aural version of that. Bitch.

I just don’t understand what she’s doing. For that matter, I don’t really understand remakes. There are maybe a handful of acceptable exceptions in this world…but it should be generally agreed upon that no one can do Tom Waits better than Tom Waits. 80% of his musical genius is his voice…which doesn’t sound an iota like a 23 year old girl’s. Thank Yahweh.

I’d like to be able to move on into the smattering of good news that made this week bearable…but I just can’t. The above story trickles down into all the good things and makes them smell rotten. Like the vegetable drawer in my fridge that I’m afraid to open. I’m gonna make Kansas do it.

I got called a curmudgeon at work yesterday. Twas awesome.

19 keep(s) me blogging:

Jill said...

Oh god, please say you're making that up. I still haven't recovered from Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" in the mid 80's.n Why oh why does every wanna-be star think the world wants to hear him/her sing?? We don't!

Susie Q said...

Curmudgeon... (((snicker)))

The respect I once held for Ms. Johansson is now in serious question. One of our finest actresses now reduced to a joke. Tis a sad, sad day.

By all means, let Kansas open said veggie drawer. You are in no condition. I blame Scarlett.

Jahooni said...

so if I become an actress in Hollywierd, then I automatically get a record deal?! Wow. Gosh, who knew I can sing. What should I call my upcoming album? oh wait, let me make some F rated movie first.

curmudgeon = ??? I don't get this one.

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Thing is, when it's released, I'm going to have to check this out now just because i know about it. And this is despite not really wanting to check it out at all. It's just too odd not to see - like a 2-headed foetus in a bell-jar or something.

Most of what make Tom Waits songs so great is that it's Tom Waits living and singing them. How then is this going to work? She's going to have to turn it on its head and do something different with them, otherwise it's just going to seem daft.

Kara said...

jill - not making it up. i loved that eddie murphy album. that's the one with Boogie In Your Butt" right?

sue - i blame her too! willowy whore.

jahooni - cur·mudg·eon Pronunciation[ker-muhj-uhn]
–noun
a bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person.
[Origin: 1570–80; unexplained]

sam - but it IS daft. it's the single most stupidest idea ever. and i've had a lot of stupid ideas. i know them when i see them.

BananaToo said...

OMG... I knew I felt the earth tip on its axis just a little. I cannot even imagine a circumstance where Scarlett J. and Tom Waits could be combined and it not be a nightmare. ::::Shudder at the thought::::

The Future said...

OK, she's toast due to her serious case of bad judgment. So what is the good news?

Rachel said...

Thank god I'm deaf. I don't have to worry about this at all. Or care.

C said...

I must defend Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time." That record was produced by Rick James who was the first super-producer. He was in everybody's videos, he was on everybody's tracks, and he still made successful albums for himself-- unlike Timbaland, P Diddy, and Pharrell Williams. If he were still alive and he wanted to work with me, I'd make a CD and I don't even sing.

As far as SJ goes, I don't have the impression that she's any sort of great actress. I don't think that many of the people that call themselves actors are committed to their craft. They're just in the entertainment biz trying to get what they can while they can. That's why they're all running around opening restaurants and droppin' albums. You don't see John Malkovitch, Kevin Spacey, or Meryl Streep doin' stuff like that.

Gorilla Bananas said...

What's the problem? If Waits wrote his own songs he'll get royalties from every sale she makes. The Beatles never minded anyone covering their songs.

Kellie said...

One example of a good remake: Smashing Pumpkins' version of Landslide. Awesome.

Being a curmudgeon is a good thing. Someone with seemingly thick skin (hardened by the state of the human condition), who is yet somehow vulnerable on the inside. See, you really do care!

And yes, I am reading your blog at 12:30 at night. I just got back from the ATL and am catching up on my interwebs.

Kara said...

kellie - oh i see. you answer my fuckiing blog, but you don't answer you my fucking call. iu'm drunk. i call you tomorrow.

Sarah said...

You really are a curmudgeon. I think that's why I love you though.

SJ is too hot for her not to make it though. If she's half decent at singing, she'll be the new Brittany. Because she doesn't have to have any talent to make big money. Read: Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton. Not to say I won't mock her unendingly.

You brought up the boogie in your butt thing before I had the chance. Damn you. "Put a tin can in your butt, put a little tiny man in your butt".

froelica said...

I know I had a similar reaction when I first heard. A combination of "Heh?" and "Aw, hell nah!" and "Oh no you di'in't".

Kara said...

bananatoo - i know! could you imagine the alien baby they'd have together, were they to be combined in more ways than one.

future - good news is my most hated coworker is GONE. champagne all around on friday.

rachel - even visually speaking, you will find that there is so much more to waits than there could ever be to johansson.

c - i'd buy your album. and kevin spacey DID do that in the form of the bobby darrin movie...where his old ass decided it would be appropriate to both star and sing.

goranas - obviously someone needs someone else to make him a cd. if that someone in question knew what the someone of topic sounded like...someone would be more upset. and the beatles are not an appropriate example.

sarah - "put an alligator up your butt. see you later up your butt". i miss being in 8th grade with you.

fro - yours was more verbal than mine. mine was just a series of uncontrollable bodily functions.

Old Knudsen said...

"Tom Waits for nomads" as the saying goes. He was great in the film "The Postman" I don't think too much of harlet either as for remakes, songs, films TV shows it makes me sad that original stuff thats good gets unmade.

Mary Witzl said...

I want to agree with you, but still -- you never know. I'm crazy about Leonard Cohen, but lots of people do his songs just fine. Lets wait and see. If she sounds good, think of your surprise and pleasure. If she messes up, think of the fun you'll have mocking her.

Kara said...

knudsen - Is that how the saying goes? I like him in Dracula and Mystery Men.

mary - no no NO. plenty of people bastardize Cohen. it may sound ok upon occasion...but it never sounds right.

jesus, kara...opinionated much? crap, i'm bored.

leftoverture said...

Well...I also believe that nobody does Bob Dylan as good as Bob Dylan....which some lamewads disagree with...but that is another topic I suppose.