Saturday, January 05, 2008

You Know What Blows??

Pirates of the Caribbean III.

They have finally succeeded in taking my favorite ride at Disneyland (since the age of 6, mind you) and soiled everything it stands for. Which, I think, was light-hearted pirate glorifying fun.
They have also succeeded in inciting BOREDOM during a JOHNNY DEPP film. For this, I'll never forgive them.

Damn you...Them.

The worst part of it is...I LUURRRVVV pirate movies. I can't tell you how many times I've seen
Captain Blood and The Buccaneer. Of course, not as often since I passed my 13th birthday, but my mind, those two pirate flicks can't be beat. And Disney had its head in the right place for a while (as in, not up its ass) with movies like Blackbeard's Ghost and Treasure Island. When I discovered ages ago that they were making a movie based on my favorite ride, I was ecstatic. And it was cute! And Johnny was cute! And it had Kiera Knightly who never shuts her fucking anorexic mouth, but could easily be ignored! And then there was the promise of the second one with Bill Nighy! Everyone loves Billy Nighy!

And then the second one blew!

And then I thought...well, at least there's only one more. They'll wrap up the story line and that'll be the last we'll see of Johnny in eyeliner til...his next movie. But if any of you wasted three hours of your life that you'll never get back like I'd have found out that not a goddamn thing is wrapped up since they're obviously doing a fourth. Which will probably also blow.

Money grubbing pricks.

In the meantime, I can't look my favorite ride in the face anymore. Or, at least, I won't be able to if I ever darken the doorways of Disneyland again.

Yo ho.

Oh yeah...did you hear that Britney's gone postal and is currently residing in psychiatric la la land? I'm a little saddened it's her and not Paris. At least we know that Paris' art flourishes behind bars.

19 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The first one wasn't that great either. I suspect Johnny only accepted the part because he wanted to show off his cockney accent. My favourite will always be The Princess and the Pirate where Bob Hope spoofs the whole genre.

There is a scene at the beginning where Bob Hope pretends to be an old woman after the pirates capture his ship. They are making everyone walk the plank and he is begging for mercy. Then a toothless old pirate says he'll take him as his mistress. He tries to rush onto the plank, but they stop him. Boy, that was funny.

Mary Witzl said...

It was my favorite ride too, Kara, and I couldn't agree with you more about P of the C III. I got the feeling that they asked half a dozen writers to submit something, then couldn't bear to turn anyone down and so solved the problem by putting everything in. Sitting there watching it, I felt as though I'd turned up at a restaurant with too much on the menu, every entree and side dish weirdly different, nothing going with anything else, and little of it nourishing.

Has Hollywood ever managed to turn out a whole series of movies that are uniformly fantastic? Has this ever happened once? If it has, I can't remember it. How stupid do they think we all are? Wait -- don't answer that. I went to see P of the C II and III like everyone else...

Susie Q said...

Ah D-land! Pirates is my favorite ride, always has been. Jim worked at Disneyland for years, so we got mighty spoiled. Free admission will do that to a body.
And Britney, (((shakes head))) damn!

thethinker said...

I didn't even like the first one that much so I wasn't about to waste my money on the second or the third.

Rachel said...

Like thinker; I wasnt impressed by #1, so never wasted my money on the others. adn after this review, never will. :)
Thanks for the heads up.

Oh, and Jonny Depp sucks ;)
(I kid, I kid!)

Sarah said...

We JUST watched the 3rd one on Friday at Emily's house. I was saying how I hate Kiera because I feel like she's faking her accent and her anorexic pout. Ugh, I want to punch her mouth closed.
I did like the crazy rock crabs though. I want one.

AxAtlas said...

Geezus Crunk! They've already done a 3rd one????? What the funk?!?!?! Have they done a "Mummy Returns Again" movie yet?

AxAtlas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nic said...

I don't believe I've seen any of them. I might have seen part of one.. I'll have to ask the short. But then his frame of reference is really small. He's not obsessed with it like he is Transformers.

Don't go there.

I feel bad for Britney. Anyone else get the feeling she's going to pull some kind of Karen Carpenter in one way or another?

Kara said...

goranas - well of course it wasn't that great. but pirate movies never are. they're simply a romp...a ROMP my friend. and i think i've seen that bob hope movie.

mary - i think i only paid to see the first one. but i did rent the other two. and i feel cheated.

sue - see? if it's the favorite ride of someone who's been a million times, then it HAS to be the best ride on earth. why couldn't the movies compare?

thinker - i had to see the first one. like CLUE, any movie based on something inanimate has to be interesting.

rachel - you BETTER be kidding. don't scare me like that!

sarah - we were doing the same thing friday night then...except we prolly started ours later since our power was out for 3 hours.

ax - i dunno. but i don't dig those movies. and brendan fraser is fugly.

nic - nah...she can't stop sucking down frappuccinos long enough to starve herself to death. here's hoping, though.

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

But wasn't it worth it for the Keith Richard's cameo? I haven't seen it yet but thought I might give it a whirl just for that.

Stinkypaw said...

I tagged you do to a little meme, so, if you have a chance, drop by to see what it's all about.

Old Knudsen said...

I haven't seen it but heard it was just the other two films stuck together. Captain Blood is one of my all time favourites good call. I do hate Disney as I once saw three '6's on Mickey Mouse's head.

Jill said...

God, how I loved Errol in Captain Blood as a pre-teen. Wicked Step-mother(tm) and I watched it every chance we got. Johnny did a pretty good job carrying on the pirate tradition in the first POTC. The second one sucked enough that Slag and I actually considered leaving before it was over. I won't waste my time with the third one.

Why does Johnny keep making these sucky movies? They must be paying him a lot.

Jahooni said...

I wasn't that impressed with the Pirates movies either! And why they put him in that ride is BEYOND ME!

Britney, isn't she in a strey jacket by now?

theWaif said...

You neglected to mention The Goonies among your list of favorite pirate flicks, though as you've blogged about your love for it in a previous post, I'll let it slide this time.

I heard the only reason Johnny signed up for the Pirates of the Caribbean crapfest is because he just totally loves playing a pirate. And who could blame him, really?

And I know it's true because I saw it on the internets.

Kara said...

sam - don't get me wrong...keith was hot. but the 5 minutes he's in don't make up for the 19649938 minutes he's not.

jill - i can't leave a movie once paid for. i can't not finish a book, either. even if it takes me years. YEARS!

jahooni - if she's not, she should be. i'm sure she could find some matching shoes to go with.

waif - Heeeeeey yoooooooou guuuuuuuuys!

Amber said...

The target closest to me didn't have food. and walmart did. therefore that's where I went. but I went to target today and spent too much money!

Orhan Kahn said...

And it had Kiera Knightly who never shuts her fucking anorexic mouth, but could easily be ignored!

I lol'd.