Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Hate You, J.K. Rowling.

And here's why. The Waif and I were there. Opening night of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I'm fairly certain Waif was bouncing in her chair. She has to be careful with that sort of thing...her fragile little bird bones can snap like a twig on those hard seats. Anyway...we were there. I saw it on opening night. Could I tell you a thing about it? No.

Why?


Because all I could see was this man. Goddamn, Gary Oldman is hot.

And then he died and I wanted to storm out of the theater in a huff. I literally lost interest completely after that point. It was an unconscious reaction that couldn't be helped. Staring at Helena B-C's rotting gums didn't help matters. But this is the effect Oldman has on me. Has been ever since I first met him (at an age old enough to recognize pure lust)...














...in this. I probably watched this movie more times than I'm willing to admit...even to perfect and imperfect strangers. Never have I wanted fangs piercing the fleshiness of my throat more than when this man was doing just that to Winona Ryder. And never since...cause that shit's just fucked up.












And then there was Sid. Not being the world's biggest Sex Pistols' fan...I prefer The Clash...it took me a while to see this. But then I did. And then I did again. And then one more time...just fast forwarding to the good parts.






Some lonely night in a video store I stumbled upon this little gem. It's not that great of a movie, but you get to see his nekkid self diving into water like the aqueous god that he is. A man nymph. Does such a thing exist? Well I say it does.

Demi Moore is a poorly acting cow in this film, so I just mentally superimpose my face over hers. The cow. Anyway, I highly recommend this one. He has a fuck-me-now Scottish accent as the cherry that should sit right up near the top of this sundae of luuurv.











I'd even do him as Beethoven. Watched this projected on the wall of a patisserie several months ago. It made him almost life-sized.


There are, of course, exceptions. His character in 5th Element looks like a circus freak and sounds like George W. Bush...which I bet is intentional. And his role as Commissioner Gordon in the new Batman movie(s) leaves something to be visually desired (lose the 'stache - the cheese cannot stand alone)...but he the man fairly consistently makes my heart race.











But here's the crux of the thing. THe's pushing 50. And by "pushing" I mean, I think he actually is 50. That puts him in the same Baby Boomer g
eneration as my parents. But somehow...it just doesn't matter. Every year when he should be going the pruney way of Sean Connery...he somehow manages to get a little bit hotter. Why is this? What sort of fucked up Dorian Gray deal with the devil has this man made? Somebody tell me why I have no control over the beating of my body temperature when he steps into the frame?

Look at him here next to Harry. I'm having a hard time keeping my index finger from running down that tattooed chest. I wouldn't try so hard, except that I'm at work and it would look...odd.

So if you were looking for a review of the new Harry Potter...I'm sorry. I've failed you all...I've failed myself...I've failed my film degree. But it was worth it. I'd do it again in a second...if it didn't cost me $10.

20 keep(s) me blogging:

Macoosh said...

dude. i so agree.

thank you for all the photos. :)

baby boomer generation is apparently really hot to me...it's weird. really weird. i'm so gonna marry an old guy. lets just hope he's rich too.

thethinker said...

I just got out of the theater from seeing that.

I paid more attention to the movie than Gary Oldman. HE'S SO OLD LOOKING!

Sarah said...

I don't share the obsession with Gary Oldman. He's ok, but not my cup o' tea.
Thanks for letting us know he dies in the movie though. :)

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

O God!

Thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou for the post, dear sweet Kara. For yes! You are righter than an angle of 90 degrees. He is a hot-God of a man-hottie.

Delicious.

He slayed me as Dracula. Bloody drove me wild. Hot hot hawtness.

You are a woman of mighty fine taste, Kara Your-Surname. Mighty fine, fine.

yinyang said...

I'm not a mustache person. And I think my imagined Sirius is better-looking. Maybe it's just a generational thing or something, because I second thethinker (except I'm not sure if I'll pay money to see this one... though my brother did say he liked it more than the fourth... which isn't saying a whole lot).

Kara said...

macoosh - well yes...the "rich" part is essential. but not all older man are hot...some are just old.

thinker - well, you'll be saying the same thing i'm currently saying about someone like johnny depp in about ten years.

sarah - WELL...if you had READ the 5th Harry Potter book you'd KNOW that he dies. silly. but yes...i know what your cup of tea is like...it's got sugar.

sam - welly welly well, thank you ms. sam. i do my best to entertain and inspire illicit thoughts.

yinyang - ahhh, but that's not a proper mustache (the Sirius one) so it's ok. it's more of a big flashing neon "i could hang with keith richards" sign. the rest of my comment to you would have to mirror what i said to thinker.

Gorilla Bananas said...

He's a handsome rogue, but I don't think he likes sweaty, red-faced chicks. Take an ice bath, Missy.

AxAtlas said...

Adding a male perspective:
Reading how you women dig old dudes makes me feel even more secure about the future. Reminds me of that famous Dazed and Confused quote:
"...girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

Macoosh said...

that's very true. i may have to rethink my plan...

and yes, your review speaks for us both.

Kevin said...

I've never liked Gary Oldman. But I will give him credit. He's very good at being able to become the role that he's portraying.

You see a movie with Bruce Willis and, no matter what, you are simply watching Bruce Willis in a movie.

With Gary Oldman, it's very easy to forget it's Gary Oldman and you just see the character.

nic said...

Kudos for his acting qualities. Not sold on the hotness. I'm more of a Jared Leto from My So Called Life girl.

Regarding what Axatlas says, I have a problem with the same kind of thing. I keep looking for guys who look like my age except I have a skewed idea of my own age... So all hot guys I notice are still in their early to mid twenties! I'm staying the same age and the guys are getting younger. It sucks it. Good thing I'm too shy to talk to any of them.

Kara said...

goranas - you cheeky monkey! i'll have you know that my face was red due to the fact that i had just taken off a full-face helmet after riding my scooter to the theater in 95 degree weather. punk!

ax - you old lech!

macoosh - word.

well kevbo - you, yourself are a great man for admitting greatness can lie within something that looks...not so great...to you. isn't that great?

nic - have you seen Leto lately? he's gone all self-absorbed raccoon on the world. homely and sad. but rent yourself a little Brahm Stoker's Dracula and just TRY to tell me you're not a convert. TRY.

Laura said...

As the "bird-boned waif" pictured, I will go ahead and comment on the movie itself. I enjoyed it, despite how much they had to alter and delete from the book, I think they still did a decent job in making the movie entertaining. This was my least favorite of the books but I think it might be my favorite of the films behind the third one. Gary Oldman's biting it was unfortunate, but at least it doesn't happen till the end so you get to see him throughout the movie.

And don't be hating on Jo, Kara...she wrote the book long before the role was filled for the movie. Perhaps if she'd known Mr. Oldman was going to be cast in the role of Sirius, she mightn't have been so hasty in offing him.

Orhan Kahn said...

Why do I hate Gary Oldman so much? I seriously don't know. Atleast he can act.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

He looks like a BeeGee in that last picture, though. An impossibly sexy one.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Improbably sexy I should say - as it's the BeeGees I'm on about.

Tres tres chaud is GO, but noone can carry that long hair, bear-chested look quite like Alan Rickman's sheriff of Notts in Robin Hood.

Kara said...

waif - that's a good point you made there...that last one. hindsight...right? i'll expect that he shows up in the last movie just as a gesture of apology.

Or - you hate him because you long to be him and you aren't. i know the feeling well...damn you, kate winslet.

sam - i totally forgot about alan rickman in that movie! of course, when that came out my eyes were more focused on Christian Slater. ahh, the follies of youth.

Orhan Kahn said...

Wtf, no. No, no, no. God no. Woah, no.. okay, maybe a little, in a Being Jon Malcovich way but really, no.

I'd be Sean Connery the day after he accepted he was going grey or Brad Pitt at any point in that lucky son of a bitches life.

Being me is awesome enough, I must admit. I'd make Charlie Brown jealous (I don't actually know what that means).

AxAtlas said...

The last Gary Oldman pic reminds of this character

AxAtlas said...
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