Saturday, July 07, 2007

The Sun Is A Mass Of Incandescent Gas

Like a gigantic nuclear furnace. Guess what that does to my pasty self? Go on...guess. I dare you. Double dog dare you. Ok fine, I'll just tell you...

It burns it to all fuck.


Sat at a picnic table for 15, count them 15 minutes this afternoon with an iced tea and The Mercury and what do you THINK happened. What? Go on, guess. Really. Ok, fine...I'll just tell you...


I got a sunburn.

People wonder why I'm not outdoorsy...well, probably no one actually wonders that, but the fact is I'm not and THIS is why. It's hard to enjoy spending time in the sunlight when it's constantly trying to kill you.

It's almost akin to taking up yahting when you can't swim.


Or working in a casino when you only have one lung.


Or shopping when you're broke.


Actually...I don't know that any of those examples are really what I meant...but I like them, so they're going to stay.
Kansas is currently trying to kill Tallulah who is trying to kill the neighbor cat, albeit through a screen...but the effort is there.

I should probably intervene to save at least one of them...but I'm drinking a beer and it'll become room temperature if not consumed quickly. See...priorities.


This is the first Saturday night that I haven't had something I've had to go do in ages. It's thrilling. We're thinking of walking out to a pub theater to see a movie...but who knows since I'm so very slightly charred. I might be feeling too fragile. But probably not. I do want to get at least two more beers down my gullet before heading out, though, so I think I need to go focus on that. You guys were great, though...thanks for listening.


Maybe I'll even drink too much and start a fight with someone over something trivial, like the price of milk.. And then Kansas will have to pull me off as I continue to kick their lifeless body after utilizing my secret weapon...the pinky rip. That could be fun.


14 keep(s) me blogging:

AxAtlas said...

Feels like it was just yesterday when I saw TMBG perform that tune live on 120 Minutes....ahhh...
So you are sunburned eh? This is your chance to dress up as a mummy. Walk around and mummy it up. Be that gal...or that mummy who's out and about around the pubs. Ahhh the "Multnomah Mummy". Prob sign autographs. Go for it!

slaghammer said...

I hardly ever sunburn. I just tan darker and darker. Except for when I lived in the Portland area years ago. I worked all winter in the rain, wet every day, until my skin took on the properties of gelatin. The sun came out in spring; I took my shirt off for maybe twenty minutes and ended up looking like an over-grilled bratwurst. I think it’s the Oregon weather that does it.

apterix55 said...

See how considerate Muslim men are? They don't ALLOW their women to get sunburn... except that little raccoon patch around their eyes. Allah be praised!

Macoosh said...

i feel its important for you to know that, although my eyes went over every word you wrote, i processed none of it. why? because 10 years ago i managed to get a song out of my head forever.

and then you put it back in. screw you kara! SCREW YOU!

::storms off singing:: ...the sun is a mass of incandescent gas....

Gorilla Bananas said...

Slip, slop, slap. I'm not going to tell you what that means so you'll have to google it. But I know you won't want to google it because you're stubborn as a mule and don't like taking orders. But if you don't, the laugh will be on you. So HA!

The Future said...

I don't even know what to say that hasn't been said before. Your mummy worries about your charred skin.

yinyang said...

I burn after 15 minutes, too! Maybe we can start a club or something.

Kieran said...

The price of milk is far from trivial, and well worth violence.
Did you know that Rupert Murdoch actually owns the sun? Madness.

Orhan Kahn said...

Mmm, fresh red meat.

Jill said...

The sun does the same thing to me. Our kind were genetically formed to handle long, dark winters. Photons are the enemy!

Kara said...

ax - as tempted as i've always been to dress as a mummy and walk around...i think i'll just settle for a little aloe. it wasn't that bad anyway...i'm practically back to pink.

slag - you're prolly right...i was just as permanently pink in new orleans...it was just covered in a lot more persperation...and cotton.

apterix - not all muslims, of course...but yes, i can see the advantages of the fundamentalist lifestyle. oh, no wait...that was just my contact moving to the edge. no i can't.

macoosh - you should teach preschool sometime. TMBG is the only tangible answer to the complete and total crushing of the Barney/Wiggles infestation.

goranas - i WILL google it just to defy you! and i defy that this was a perfect example of reverse psychology by saying that i planned on googling it all along. so HA back.

future - mummy should be worried about her own previously browned like hamburger skin of 1978-1996.

yin - it would be a poorly attended club, methinks. alas.

kieran - it wouldn't surprise me. that fucker is solely behind global warming too. i'm convinced of it. he needed it to work on his tan. the fucker.

or - it's the fatty kind, though.

jill - i don't want to handle the long dark winters! i mean...that's what they made booze for, right? i want to absorb sunlight like a tree! a treeeeeeeee!

Laura said...

Scalp burns are the worst cause you can't put sunscreen on your part or else your hair gets all greasy and hats are just annoying, your head gets overheated. And no one likes an overheated head. So it burns and then it peels and you have yucky dead skin flaking off your head for a week. Genetically-speaking, I don't think our kind was ever meant to leave our caves.

Macoosh said...

agreed.

and it's ok about the cookies; if kansas couldn't resist them then they must be good! :)

Sarah said...

Josh sings that song in the shower.