Friday, October 26, 2007

Advice and Shenanigans

I had my prom at a place called Shenanigans. It was laaaaaaaaame...and almost 10 years ago. Holy shite.

So, today's question comes to us from Goranas. Goranas (also known as Gorilla Bananas, but I hate bananas so I never call him that), supposedly lives in the Congo, but based on his quaint spellings of things...I'm going to venture a guess that his actual location is somewhere in Great Britain. Why he feels the need to lie to us all, I don't know. Maybe he's a secret agent. Maybe he's just shy. Either way...his blog est tres amusant, though there always seems to be an overabundance of breasts upon it. Yes, men, there CAN be an overabundance of breasts in one locale. It IS possible.

So Goranas asked me the following:

Dear Kara,

Would you rather sit on an ostrich egg or
Patrick Stewart's bald head? Please give your reasons.
G. Bananas

First off, Goranas, though I heart you as well...we need to get a little something straight. This is an advice column. Through it, I'm supposed to advise you about shit...not answer questions about my personal preferences.'re trying to make it all about me; when I'M trying to make it about you. But this is you not letting me. It's a vicious circle. Can two people make a circle? Maybe it's more like a game of cricket. Stupidest game ever. answer your question...the only one left in my inbox to answer (mutha effin' hint hint) that depends. My reasons for this answer are as follows.

1. If it's cold outside, Paddy's head might keep me warmer than an ostrich's egg. And would definitely provide better conversation.

2. But if I'm feeling anti-social...the egg would allow me to sulk in silence. Unless it hatched and I had to figure out how to feed it.

3. Once the ostrich hatched...I could have it for a pet. Patrick Stewart would be far too much upkeep as a pet. And I'd prolly have to keep him inside, which would become a space issue. Kansas needs the second bedroom to house all his LPs.

4. Really, I prefer to sit on the floor. My legs are short and everything else forces me to feel my height. But the floor doesn't. On the floor, we are all equals.

5. I don't have time for this. I'm going to go play in a corn maze.

So that's it, friends. That is the last question in my inbox to answer. Unless anyone has anything they need advice on, Condi will whither and shrivel up next week. More so than usual. Jivecooky at yahoo dot com. Do it.

12 keep(s) me blogging:

Jahooni said...

B A N A N A S.... B A N A N A S....
Yum Yum Yum! Good with peanut butter or chocolate.

I would sit on the egg, hatch it and then call the chick Gorilla.

I think he lives down south, way down south in the USA

Sarah said...

May I suggest that you have Patrick sit on the egg for you while you go shoe shopping with me?
See, now that's efficiency.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I sent you that question weeks ago, but I never lost faith that you'd answer it. You had to be considering all the angles - not that an egg has angles, that would be too painful.

I'm glad your butt is big enough and warm enough to hatch the egg. There's a Bob Hope film where he's in the circus and sitting on the (bald) strongman's shoulders. "I may hatch this," he quips. You have been influenced by the greats.

froelica said...


1. How can you possibly hate bananas?!?! They're full in potassium goodness. Without them, I get these really annoying (and EXTREMELY painful) leg cramps at night.
2. Did my use of "quaint" inspire yours? Or, as I suspect, are our minds making some sort of cyber-connection in which we form ideas simultaneously in our ongoing plan to rid the world of Michael Bay movies?
3. Breasts DO get old. Asses are much sexier.
4. Ostrich egg. I fear that Patrick Stewart could bite far worse than the beak of an ostrich, and you know.... Pain sucks.

Jill said...

Petrick could entertain you while you sat, while the egg probably wouldn't. I think it would be great to listen to him say "Engage!" randomly or recite some Shakespeare. Love that British accent.

AxAtlas said...

Cricket is not the stupidest. It's actually quite badass.

Kara said...

jahooni - i think you might be right. i definitely detect a drawl.

sarah - wow. that was fantastic. i'm letting you make the decisions from now on.

goranas - the movie i believe you're referring to is Road to Rio. the beginning where he has to walk the tightrope and the weightlifter is forcing him up the ladder. if i am right, i am a. a genius and/or b. the coolest person you know.

fro - 1. i used to force myself to eat them for ballet (i'd get foot cramps)...but i hear there's actually more potassium in an orange. go figure.
2. my use of 'quaint' was really the only option where goranas is concerned. i mean, he spells 'check' as 'cheque'. see what i mean? though i'm sure we are psychically linked.
3. agreed.
4. good point, i hadn't thought of that. i don't know if stewart's a biter, but i'll do some research.

jill - totally! and i would make him do jigs. so many jigs.

ax - dude, whatevs. you run back and forth, there aren't even any bases. i do a similar rendition in my house when i'm running late.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I knew it was one of the 'Road to' movies but I wasn't sure which one. I'm putting a gold star in your exercise book for this.

Laura said...

For a few moments Goranas' question confounded me thusly: "Patrick Stewart isn't bald," I thought to myself. "He has a full head of thick, wavy hair," and so I went on ruminating upon the matter for minute after minute until finally, "Aha!" -- the little light bulb in my head went off and I realized that all along I'd been mistakenly thinking of Patrick Swayze. Et voila, suddenly the whole thing about hatching Patrick Stewart's head made the utmost sense.

Kara said...

goranas - huzzah! yeah, i'm a road picture junkie. what can i say...can't get off the comedic sauce.

waif - your head must be a mixed up, jumbled up, shook up world.

The Future said...

But you forgot the most important reason you would prefer to sit on PS's head, he has a British accent housed in a lovely deep voice, unless you've lost your fanatic obsession for such since last I knew. I'm quite certain no ostrich egg speaks anything but sqwak.

Macoosh said...

i am too lame on this monday morning to think of a good question. i apologise.