Sunday, October 14, 2007

Ok, Ok! I'm Finally Posting It...Back OFF!

"Soon" has arrived dear readers, on the tale end of 12 hours of sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me, or my body, to make it think that this was an acceptable way to spend a Saturday night, but it was following a Friday that shall never be spoken of again, so perhaps my body needed it or some junk. Anyway, it's the crack of dawn on Sunday morning and I can't find my guidebooks to trip plan, so here I am, starting the day with tea and Billie Holiday. Oh God. Have I become boring? You have to tell me, if I do. YOU HAVE TO TELL ME!


Anyway - mama, i mean, Kara, I mean Condi's back and she's here to answer a question submitted by AxAtlas, the newest in a long line of pioneers who have settled in this city thinking they will be anything but disappointed. HA! Jokes on YOU previous inhabitant of St. Louis, Missouri. I'm telling you, 9 out of 10 people I meet here are not from Oregon. What is going ON? Where are all the Oregonians going and why didn't they take me with them? Assholes.

Anyway.

Dear Kara (Condi),
Two weeks ago, on a Friday night in the freakin' Pearl, I met a really awesome totally groovy woman…um, who was with her mother (I seriously thought they were sisters). The two were out for a quick drink before dinner. I guess I delayed their dinner by an hour. Oh welp, basically the groovy woman and I hit it off (I felt that her mom was sorta selling me her daughter too). I told the two that I would be moving up there in 3 weeks. Because her mother was there, I felt it awkward to ask for her digits. I think the groovy woman sensed this and told me to visit her restaurant where she works (she works nights). Now since I'm moving up there in a few days, when should I visit her? I don't wanna get there a day or 2 or 3 after I arrive and appear desperate or a stalker.

Please help me before I get all jive!
Yer pal,
ax

Hmmm...well, let's see here. It was two weeks ago that you met her, and it took me a week to respond to this...so that would be three weeks all together since you've seen her (see those math skills???) so I'd say that at this point, she thinks you're an asshole for not showing up again. So show up now or forget it.

Here's my question for you, though, Ax...what the hell kind of woman goes out hitting on the menfolk with her mother? And what kind of mother tries to "sell" her daughter? Were you at a marriage market in The Ural Mountains? I'm not sure about this chick. And I'm certainly not sure about her mother. Here's my advice. Go rent The Graduate and watch it. Then decide if you want to go to her restaurant or not. Unless she works someplace shitty like Chili's. Then forget it all together.

You're welcome.


I forgot to mention the best part about last week. Waif, her hubby Ty, me, Kansas and Amy g. went to go see Michael Ian Black and Michael Shoalwalter...formerly of The State, a kick ass sketch comedy show from mid 90s MTV. That show used to reduce Amy g. and I to giggling puddles of jelly. Their stand-up didn't disappoint, but I'll tell you, we're all feeling our age here. Their bits were filled with life with kids...or late 30s singleness...it was definitely like 'woah'. At one point, Shoalwalter was asked to do "Doug", his famous bit from the show...a high school kid who was always getting picked on. He let us know that every time he did Doug, a little piece of his soul slipped through is body and out his ass (or something like that). It broke my heart. But then he did it and I cracked up.

I'm going to include the skit below that had Amy g. and I quoting it for years. YEARS. And then a little something with Shoalwalter below it.
And don't forget to keep those emails rolling in! Condi can advise you on anything...unless it's political, that seems to be the one area where she lacks expertise. Poor thing. Anyway, the email address is jivecooky at yahoo dot com. Do it!

$240 Worth 'a Puddin'


Don Law (crappy quality)

16 keep(s) me blogging:

The Future said...

So which one of the puddin' guys was the one you saw? Oh, and great advice by the way...what exactly was your advice? Thirdly, congratulations on getting all of your Friday back. It must feel good to have all the bad erased. Great incentive not to go there again.

The Future said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Future said...

Sorry, my computer just threw up!

Kara said...

It's ok, mumsy, I cleaned up your blarf.

Gorilla Bananas said...

What kind of advice was that? He should ask Mom for permission to court her daughter, like Al Pacino in Sicily. Human parents love that kind of shit.

apterix55 said...

Dating advice? I asked for dating advice once... I followed it and the rest is history; Tragic tragic history [sigh].

Don't ask, Don't tell doesn't just work only for gays, you know.

Sarah said...

I like Chili's. They have the Awesome Blossom. Mmmmm.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

They just opened the first Taco Bell in Mexico City. Apparantly they love it. (This is by way of saying I'm not a Chili's fan. Somehow.)

I agree, Yer Pal should make all haste to the late night restaurant - before he gets all jive if at all possible. I don't actually know what that means but it doesn't sound like something a girl wants to experience at the end of a busy shift.

Jill said...

I cook and chill every night too.

Kara said...

goranas - you're so old fashioned. it must follow that you, yourself, are old. is this the case?

apterix - for some reason, i can't bring myself to ask you to elaborate.

sarah - i've been twice. once was with you and josh had to go into the kitchen and literally get our cold food. blossom be damned.

sam - i don't actually know what he means either. and i'm fairly convinced that he doesn't know what he means but is trying to sound cool. that's how boys work. i know these things.

i can't stomach taco bell anymore either. it used to be my favorite cheap rot gut. now it's just rot gut.

jill - FINALLY! someone who comments on the gloriousness of The State! bless you, my child. bless you.

Kevin said...

That Don Law video cracked me right the hell up.

Rachel said...

hmmm, Chili's...
I love their Southwestern Egg Rolls.

How would you rank the following Diner Chains:
Chili's
TGIFriday's
Applebees's
Friendly's (Do they have any Friendly's in Portland?)
Denny's
Perkins

Kara said...

kevin - i KNOW, huh?

rachel -
Chili's - ew
TGIFriday's - double worldwide ew
Applebees's - even the name makes me angry
Friendly's (Do they have any Friendly's in Portland?)- what the crap is a Friendly's?
Denny's - haven't been in years, but i doubt much has changed...so ew.
Perkins - what the crap is a Perkins?

C said...

1. Why is he worried about appearing desperate when the woman's mom was trying to "sell" her to him? This woman couldn't possibly judge him for being eager.

2. I didn't really watch "The State," but I really liked a skit they did that I think was called "Art School Cheerleader." At the end, the cheerleader pretended to be crucified on the goal post. I went to a school for the arts and I like to think that our cheerleaders would've been like that if we'd had a football team.

AxAtlas said...

Thanks for your advice!
I still haven't visited her at where she works (Jake's).

Laura said...

I still remember you and Amy having giggle fits over that dumb Puddin' sketch. The part when Levan "shushes" the camera... that was it. That's when you'd both lose it.