Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Squeeze...Squeeeeeeze

I have so many things to tell you. About Interpol and Marines and saltwater taffy that tastes like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Even the bread. But most important is this...

I've just purchased a Thigh Master.


I've been wanting one since approximately 1989. And now I have one. I'm officially on my way to looking just like Suzanne Somers. Well, hopefully not like modern Suzanne Somers.


'But Kara,' you say...'We all thought you'd decided
that you were going to join the gym.'

Well. I was going to. But I got dental insurance instead.

This was a hard decision for me. I mean...it's not like anyone really sees my teeth as often as they have to see my big fat ass; but I have all manner of inflatable "core" balls and stretchy "resistance" ropes and mini stair steppers at home. What do I need a gym for? My daily dose of communal showering? I could just invite a hobo in. There. Problem solved.

Anyway, I know you're all jealous. You all want a Thigh Master of your own. Well, I'll tell you what. You ca
n't. There's only a special few of us who get to master their thighs with the Master. And we are special because we know how to find the reclusive little minx of a Master within the jungle of the internets. But even locating this precious item is possible with training, patience and persistence. Even fewer have the gumption and sparkly credit card power to order it. I have all those things. Therefore, I have a Thigh Master. Or I will in 5 - 10 business days.

I told Marie of my prize and she was encouraging:

[15:18] kara: yes. and i'm going to look just like suzanne somers

[15:35] Marie: so your teeth and thighs will be strong

[15:35] Marie: that's all a man ever asks for
[15:35] Marie: teeth and thighs
[15:35] Marie: "gimma a woman with good teeth and thighs"

[15:38] Marie: back in victorian days, pe
ople evaluated women and horses in the same way
[15:39] kara: you're a regular wikipedia

And she is.


18 keep(s) me blogging:

Kellie said...

I actually owned a thigh master in 1990!

Amber said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amber said...

will you wear the leotard? you should. It'll help the thigh master work better.

C said...

Not only do you get to feel good about mastering your thighs, but you're helping out Suzanne Somers in her time of need. You are such a good person.

thethinker said...

Eww... leotards are gross. Was it really necessary to include a picture?

Macoosh said...

you're going to need legwarmers too. I know Mz. Sommers isn't wearing them in the photo, but legwarmers are detrimental to the mastering of thighs.

Kara said...

kellie - i'm disappointed that you don't still have it. this is why you're forced to do brazilian fight dancing...this is why.

amber - i do have a leotard...from taking ballet last year. shall pull it out and shake off the cobwebs?

c - this is true, i hadn't thought about that part. i truly AM the giver i always thought i was meant to be.

thinker - my dear child...this is what beauty used to look like. you need to be more concerned with the fact that your generation is trying it's utmost to bring these fashion monstrosities back.

macoosh - i also have legwarmers...from ballet class last year. so i'm totally set. totally.

Amber said...

I definitely think you should bring it out and dust off the cobwebs.

And then pose in the exact same way with your thigh master.

I'm sure Kansas would enjoy it.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Are you sure those things work? I'd hate to see you disappointed. Lying on your back and juggling a pouf with your feet might be more reliable. You know what a pouf is, right?

Jahooni said...

I had one years and years ago... sold it at a yard sale for a buck.

Maybe I shouldn't have sold it after all. CRAP!

Anonymous said...

I had nearly forgotten how HOT Susan Somers was....even in that outfit. You should give her a run for her money.

nic said...

There is no mastering my thighs. I will live humbly forever in loose shorts that hang about mid thigh and always and forever look like the soccer player that I was... just a little flabbier these days.

Now if they came out with a butt master, I'd be all over that. All. Over. That.

Kara said...

amber - enjoy it? not after i make him wear it.

goranas - you mean those things at the end of the chair you set your feet on? that's what they were in morocco anyway.

jahooni - you got shafted. what'd you buy with that buck, do you remember?

anonymous - i haven't got a chance of giving her a run for her money. but i WILL quote the infomercial as i use it until kansas throws something at me to shut me up.

nic - can't even wear shorts. they start riding up my inner thighs to the point where i look like i'm wearing a diaper. fucking hips. i haven't owned a pair of shorts in almost ten years. oy.

Sarah said...

Squeeze your way to shaplier hips and thighs.

The Future said...

What you really need now is a three bedroom apartment for all your gym equipment to be somewhere besides the middle of the kitchen.

froelica said...

I like that her leotard has a stylish neckline. How the fuck would one actually exercise in that?!?!?

Mary Witzl said...

Wish I had a thigh-master. But then I wish I had a kayak too.

I just sit in a chair and do leg lifts -- the cheap-o way to exercise.

Orhan Kahn said...

back in victorian days, people evaluated women and horses in the same way

Too funny.