Monday, October 08, 2007

Fairies Need To Earn A Living Too

This was the menu for The Florida Room (Sat night's bar of choice). Amy g. got the fairy...strike that...she got fairieS. Though it produces a flush whilst ordering, it does indeed taste like it was made by magical fairy hands. HANDS, people.

This weekend was filled with family and TV. In the meantime, I have no idea what is happening in the world. I get like this from time to time. Very anti-news and current events. Then I go slightly mad from my ignorance and I begin to binge on information. You'll know when that happens, because it will be reflected in my posts. Less personal shenanigans and more haughty global opinion pieces. Look forward to it.

I can't believe it's October 8th. Do you know what that means? It means I'm really close to turning 28. Well, I still have til February of next year, but that's practically tomorrow. Blurgh.

There's a dude in my office who is so incredibly gay. He's the reason for stereotypes down to the way he stands. It's so obvious that it makes some of the more..."traditional" men in the office a little uncomfortable. Idiots. Anyway, last week said coworker, we'll call him Gaylord, come up to me and wants to ask my opinion on something. I say ok. He then launches into a story of getting totally into some girl he met in a bar and thought they had a really great time, but in the week following hasn't answered his phone call or a text message and what do I think that means. Here's why Gaylord bugs me.

1. People in the office are always asking me for dating advice. Seriously, like my dating history isn't a candidate for a bad reality show? I mean, most of them were around when I went on train wreck date after train wreck date. What is wrong with you people? Talk to someone who's been married 20 years or something!

2. Dude, I know you're gay. YOU know you're gay. Everyone knows you're gay. You're not fooling anyone by publicly announcing that you hit on women. Look at me. Do I look like the type to judge you based on your sexual preferences? Footwear, yes. Lifestyle, no. Well, maybe just a little, but usually I err on the side of judging conservatives. What can I say, nobody's perfect. Except me. 20 lbs lighter. And 4 inches taller. With thicker hair.

3. Your hair is AWFUL. You want to ask my advice, ask me what to do about your comb over. THAT I can help with. It probably is a direct link to your unreturned call and text too, if you catch my drift.

See why I need to do an advice column? People need me.

Speaking of which, don't forget to send your personal problems to jivecooky at yahoo dot com. I'll be answering one tomorrow. Or soon. Whichever comes first.

13 keep(s) me blogging:

Sarah said...

I get like that too. Most of the time I'm like that actually. I will binge on the news occasionally, but I really prefer to live in La La Land. It's cozy here.
I think my favorite part of this post is the labels. "fairies, gay, ugh".
See you tomorrow! Plan to enjoy some libations of some type. I know I will!

apterix55 said...

I keep trying to tune to KaraRadio but continue to get static! Calling KaraRadio, are you there?

The Future said...

Let's face it, you're a freak magnet. There is just something about you that invites all the office wierdos and misfits to confide and beg for your sage advice. Then they turn on you. The trick is to only give them fake advice, then they can never blame you when it doesn't work because it wasn't real anyway.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Maybe he's just pretending to be gay to attract chicks. I think you need to investigate further. Judging by appearance is bigoted and reactionary. Ask him whether he likes 'Y.M.C.A.' by Village People. Don't knock it, it's my favourite song.

Rachel said...

A combover?!
Oh jesus! Why do men persist in using the combover to cover up male pattern baldness? Everyone knows it doesn't work and it looks hedious, to boot.

I always gag at the word combover, and seeing one makes me physically ill.

Please, dudes, in the name of all that's holy, don't do the combover!!! Gawd...

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
C said...

I too judge people based on their footwear--at least, I judge them as poor dressers. Nothing ruins an outfit like a bad pair of shoes.

Macoosh said...

nope sorry. he CAN'T be gay. can't be gay with a comeover. their bodies reject it. so it's impossible. he must just be really effeminate.

seriously. can't be gay w/ a comeover. i know, i do theatre...

froelica said...

I too was dumbfounded by the combination of gayness with combovers. If he were truly the epitome of all that is gay in the world he would have styled that side-hair into a much more creative coiffure. Maybe he's straight but REALLY REALLY out of touch with today's "man".

Kara said...

i'm telling you...not every gay man knows what's what. this dude is gay.

and it's not so much a comb over as it is a comb forward. yeah, i'm trying to get a pic all stealthlike, so far no dice.

Mary Witzl said...

Well, two other bloggers have beaten me to it: I too was about to say that a gay man with a combover was like a straight man knowing the difference between aqua and turquoise, and I am from San Francisco.

If I were young and single, though, I'd probably ask you for advice too. I haven't even met you, but I'd definitely ask you rather than a long-term married type. If married people know lots of useful things about the contemporary dating scene, they're probably not all that married.

froelica said...

A picture would be very very helpful. Stealth it up.

Kara said...

mary and fro - i'm telling you, if you knew him, you'd know. or something.


all - i can't believe no one mentioned the second drink on the menu. how great is the name "awesome magic two"?