A Lesson in History of A Lesson In Music

A long time ago, someone was trying to make a crepe and they accidentally made a record instead. People figured out that these "vinyl LPs" were much better at holding music than gruyere cheese and creme fraiche...so that's what they did. For a long long time, it was the only way anyone could hear The Police...until the invention of the 8-track.

Those reminded people too much of Nintendo games, and they kept breaking when those same people would try to shove them into the console. So then the someones invented cassette tapes instead. Cassettes really should've been much better than the records since they were so much smaller, and could be thrown onto the floor of people's cars without being destroyed; however, they still had to be turned over manually to hear the entire album. So they pretty much sucked.

Then came the "compact disc". These were made by the peoples who were nostalgic for the records...and probably the crepes as well. The Police too, for that matter. CDs are the same basic idea, except not black, are smaller...and they eliminated that nasty little chore of having to flip to hear the whole album. Perfection, mais non? It was about time. One little snag. They scratched so easily, one of them could be rendered unusable if it was looked at crossly. Very tiresome.

Now the someones have made mp3s. They're songs that float in the air over your head in thousands of tiny pieces like Mike TeeVee and Wonka Bars. They're called to our ears through white "ear buds" and if you can capture them, you can keep them in cages called "ipods". It's all very technical.

I have all the above options in my home. Depending on my mood and what I want to hear...I can play any of them at any one time. Or all of them at any several times. But that could end up sounding like a Velvet Underground song...so I usually refrain. Or just put on the Velvet Underground. Which I have on both CD and LP. It all depends on whether or not I feel the urge to flip.

If I want to hear Bel Biv Devoe, I could play a tape. I have a handy dandy player thing that does the flipping for me. Strange thing...I haven't really been moved to give them a listen since approximately 1991. I blame grunge. But I won't let my tapes go. They hold a special place in my heart. Or in a shoe box in a crawl space.

If I wanted to hear Kiss I could break out the 8 track. But since I found it in a box on the side of the road...I'm not positive they'd come through sounding their best. It's like fluorescent dressing room lighting for the ears. Not to mention the fact that I do not own an 8 track player. The box did not contain one. Now that I think of it...I'm not sure where that Kiss 8 track is exactly.

And so...with Kansas working late, I'm taking my records out for a spin (he hogs the phonograph just because "it's his". Selfish). So far this evening, we've (Tallulah and I) enjoyed Shirley Bassey, Nancy Sinatra, Tom Jones, Bobby Darrin and Blondie. And the night has only just begun. Of course, by the time I get halfway through the "to play" pile (Talking Heads, The Kinks, Nina Simone and Traffic)...I'll probably be fed up with having to constantly stop what I'm doing to flip the goddamn record. Stupid crepes.