Monday, November 20, 2006

Snowbabies!!!!!!

Tis the season for shitty Snowbaby ads! For those of you who are not familiar with the phenomenon of collectible porcelain "babies" that are wrapped in some kind of suit that is supposed to indicate warmth, and maybe some sort of animal skin. They're not cheap. And they're hideous.

This Snowbaby comes from God. I know this because it says so.

However, the makers of Snowbabies know that not every collector is religious so they have a back-up for the heathenish among us...


And that would be THIS Snowbaby being delivered by a STORK! Because if it didn't come from God...well then it HAD to come from one of Darwin's creatures! And we all know from his teachings that little human babies evolved from adult storks. Yes we do. BOW TO THE FIGURINE.

Not all the Snowbabies are so sweet and innocent and denominational. Sometimes the Snowbabies are dark and morbid...I'll give you this example...





This little number may LOOK "angelic", but what you're witnessing here is the darkest of sins. That Snowman has just murdered that Snowbaby. Look at the vacant, glassy stare in the Snowbaby's eyes. And the ravens (here embodied by some sort of penguin/raven...or the ravguin) have already arrived to pick its little snow-covered bones. Available immediately to grace your happy Christmas hearth for $24.95.

Jen took a stab at copywriting a little ad blurb for this bad boy:

Clarence the Snowman Angel of Death and Percy Penguin, Bird of Doom looked over the dead body of the Snowbaby. "Well Percy, looks like we get extra meat for our sandwiches..."

Boy is SHE in the right business. I think that will have them flying off the shelves. What do you think?



16 keep(s) me blogging:

Laura said...

Ahh...evil, wretched Snowbabies of death are back in season already, eh? They truly are the gifts that keep on giving.

Jen said...

That was righteous copy writing if I do say so myself. And the Ravguin? Sheer genius.

BOW TO THE FIGURINE.

Anonymous said...

The only word that comes to mind is "vomit-inducing." I think it's apt.

...But I'll take four of each. They're just so cute.

AxAtlas said...

I looked at the pics before I read your words. On the 3rd one, I heard Sepultura's "War for Territory".

AxAtlas said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
slaghammer said...

What a great gift idea. Can you just order the bloodthirsty snowmen?

Kara said...

laura - YES, don't you MISS IT? Come back to work NOW!

jen - we work as a team, damnit

devon - well, let me just say...there are a TON of different options...I'll point you to the website

ax - i have NO idea what you're talking about

slag - NO! They have to come with the dead Snowbaby and bloodthirsty ravguin...there's just no other option.

froelica said...

I know what ax is talking about... And what other band could provide the soundtrack for maggot-infested creatures of Hell that are the snowbabies than Sepultura?
I pray that the babies are merciful upon you all...

The Future said...

There are probably worse things than snow babies, I just don't know what they are. I wonder if the creators of this particular snow baby scene really thought through the significant alternative perspective you mention? Probably not because if they had, they would have been fired and WE ALL WOULD HAVE BEEN SAVED FROM SNOW BABY OVER-SATURATION!

Orhan Kahn said...

You're going to hate me if I say I think they're cute, aren't you?

apterix55 said...

I'm going to decorate my tree this year with orniments made from Barbi Heads. I figure I could get a hundred or so used Barbis at Good Will. An entire tree of Barbi heads. Although it might traumatize the grandkids. But what the heck, I'm going to traumatize them sometime anyway, no better time than now, don't ya think?

Anonymous said...

hahahaha i hate those damn things!!! i love that you posted about their crappiness.

snowbabies freak me out. i'm glad clarence killed one.

-macoosh:)

d said...

you know... you search and search and search the whole internet looking for something worth reading... something to take you away from the mundane activities of your life and your job. and then i accidentally (on purpose) stumble upon your site and read this brilliant post. it brought a tear to my good eye. you've raised the bar k2.

Kara said...

froe - can I just call you froe? thank you. you and ax are obviously music elitists...and i don't think that's fair. can a sista get a link???? wow, that was lame

future - you know grandma would totally love one

orhan - i would hate you, but what's the point? i mean, i have to love you again because your getting the football meat so let's just call it even

apterix - that's fantastic, dad...I have three you can use...they're in the cat toy basket...Lulah likes to fetch them. and you should totally do it now while the grandkids are too young to remember.

macoosh - they'll haunt your nightmares now, won't they.

d - aw shucks, d. now imagine if i had a syndicated column...the possibilities are endless. and just in case you were being sarcastic...i bite my thumb at you.

Emily Powell said...

Okay seriously - you sold me!!! I'm going out to the store today to buy one.... for you!!! :)

Merry Christmas!!

Anonymous said...

God- you have spoken the words I have waited hopelessly to hear! I hate those things!