Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Not For The Prude

I have to tell this story. I must. It's just too good. So if it offends any with a delicate nature...so be it. You'll have to take one for the team. Stupidest saying ever. I don't even really know what it means.

Monday night, Amy, Marie and I went for Happy Hour at Kells...because it was Monday. We had several...more than we meant to, mainly because the waiter was hot. Well, I thought he was hot, Marie and Amy do not share my taste for dark, unkept looking hipster boys. We all have our faults. Good thing I can overlook theirs.


Anyway, at some point in the conversation I was throwing out my usual lament about dating someone who lives two hours away, and how it's never going to work, especially since my filler "object" just broke. Scandalized aren't you. Or confused. If you're either, you're a prude, or you've never dated anyone who lives two hours away.

So I need a new "object", and I don't have time to wait for one of those "purchasing parties"...I need one now. And I refuse to shop for it alone because that's just not as fun. So we finish our drinks and it's off to Spartacus. If you can't figure out what they sell at Spartacus by the name, then you're a prude.
The poor sales girl. First she had to check our IDs to see if we were 18...ha! And then she had to outline the good and bad points of pretty much everything on the east wall. Are sparkles beneficial? What about remote controls? Can this go in water? Can you be allergic to texture? Why are some straight, and some are bent? What is this for? Oh my. Wait, wait...why does this one have antennae? Poor poor girl.

And then, there were the other walls. Walls with signs like "Please do not whip the other customers". I kid you not. So of course absolutely everything had to be picked up and examined. Directions read out loud...and then...Amy knocked over an entire display of "enhancing pills". If you don't know what they enhance, you're a prude. They went all over the floor. It took three of us to pick them all up. Oh god, the giggling...so much giggling. Did I make a purchase? You'll never know, will you. The end.

14 keep(s) me blogging:

Jen said...

Well, I would say this entry was scandalous, but I don't know what a filler "object" is. I mean, what, is it a trowel? Trowels are filler objects; you use them to fill. And they are objects. Why all the secrecy? Oh, and I've never seen a trowel with sparkles. Probably not beneficial per se, but pretty to look at while troweling.

Kevin said...

You totally made a purchase. You know you did. We know you did. So....ya did.

AxAtlas said...


(ENTER SLAP BASS FUNK MUSIC)

Laura said...

I, for one, am utterly scandalized. Utterly. Excuse me while I go die of shame.

Also, best line in this whole blog: "Can you be allergic to texture?"

Devon said...

childs play. i wear a 12 inch squirting dildo as a necklace and have a vibrating butt plug key chain. i can not be phased.

were there any fundies picketing outside? that's always my favorite part. i guess they probably wouldn't venture out of the suburbs for something like that.

INAMINI said...

Did the pills help the "object" we all know you purchased? ;)

Kara said...

jen - yes...a trowel

kevin - You know nothing! NOTHING!

ax - Thanks for the much needed soundtrack

laura - the answer to that was "no", just fyi

devon - if that's the case, I never want to be where the adults play...you sick bastard

inamini - the pills were for boys...they were just an obstacle to the register...they do battery tests at the register...that's a whole other story.

Amy said...

I do not like my name associated with such filth. You need to start specifying damnit!

I can only imagine how horrified the sales girl was when the three of you rolled in there... the horror!

ty said...

I havn't felt this scandalized since your dad forced me to go into Spartacus with him. And that's a true story.

And to think I recommended your blog on my nice "all ages" website. I feel so used.

slaghammer said...

Do you think your little gadget will unlock the gates to paradise on Rapture day? Go ahead and try. It just might do the job if you squirt it with your filthy “lube” and wiggle it around in the keyhole long enough but I doubt it. No sister, the Laured’s deadbolt cannot be cracked.

Glory!

apterix55 said...

Hey, I never "forced" Ty to go into Spartacus. We were wandering around Christmass shopping and I got disoriented and thought it was Powell's Technical Books Annex. If anyone, it was I who was scandalized at the time.. that, and those other times too!

Niall said...

I can't believe you just went there ... or something. How many did you buy?

Famous Quotations said...

Someone nominated you for the Blog of the Day Awards and you are the first winner of September.

Award code is here:

http://blogofthedayawards.blogspot.com/2006/06/blog-of-day-awards-code-for-winners.html

Thank you

Kara said...

amy - sorry amy...this was the other amy...amy g.

ty - eww

slag - why would "lube" be in quotes? weird.

aperix - eww

niall - i can't tell you these things, you're just a wee pup

famous - woohoo!