I have some truly disturbing news. Truly.
As many, some or none of you know, I recently visited New York City for the second time in my no longer young life. While there, I got tickets to see Conan O'Brien. While in line to get said tickets, less than a half block away the New Kids on the Block sang and shook their geriatric boy band asses for a crowd of...well...sad people. They have reunited. Should it feel good? I don't know. For those of you born after 1985 who don't know what I'm talking about...screw you, utilize Google and get your shit educated.
What I'm trying to say here is that yesterday I saw their new video on dlisted. And was traumatized.
Let me back up. Waif is probably going to contradict this, but she's not the best at history, so just ignore her. I was never really a NKOTB fan. I had exactly one Tiger Beat poster of them. It hung low on the wall because I didn't actually think any of them were cute enough to share the same space as Daniel Day-Lewis, Brad Pitt and Christian Slater. Yes, I said Christian Slater. I know. I was young. Anyway, Laura was the one who was the fan. If she denies it, she's a big fat underfed liar.
All of this, though fun to bring up, is beyond the point. I heard their new song. I watched them lip sync to it. Jordan, Donnie, Joe, Jonathan and Danny. I always forget about Danny. Just now I had to re-look him up so I could finish that sentence. I'll include the video, because I feel it's important to provide visuals alongside any life lesson.
Watch...at least half of it. I need you to.
I'm sorry. Really. But what I'm trying to point out is not how awful their new song is. This comes as no surprise. What was traumatizing about the video will be illustrated in two parts:
1. The lyrics.
And now I'm like,
Hey, girl, don't you know I miss it,
And I wonder if you miss it too,
Never thought it would end 'til it did,
Now, I'm here and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you.
Please take note of the line "And now I'm like,". This is what is known as the parlance of our times. I take that back, not "ours", but our teenagers'. I only know this because while dating the Ex-Systems Administrator I had a teenager in my life. And he had friends. And they spoke. This sort of thing is also appears on TV and in the moving pictures from time to time. And what the fuck is "it"? Nasty. So that's the first part. And now...
2. Their ages.
Donald Edmond Wahlberg, Jr. (born August 17, 1969)
is 39
Daniel William Wood Jr. (born 14 May 1969)
is 39
Joseph Mulrey McIntyre (aka Joe McIntyre, Joey McIntyre), born December 31, 1972
is 36
Jordan Knight (born Jordan Nathaniel Marcel Knight, (born May 17, 1970)
is 38
Jonathan Rashleigh Knight (born November 29, 1968)
is 40.
I repeat. 40.
And back to the lyrics:
In your strapless sundress,
Kickin' back, no stress,
As long as we was together,
'Cause we were feelin' young love,
And we couldn't get enough.
Baby, I could reminisce forever.
Read those ages again and tell me you don't throw up just a little in your mouth. Don't lie to me.
Now...I fully realize that NKOTB paved the way for people like Justin Timberlake to have a career. Don't think I don't know they were important. Except that I hate Justin Timberlake and want him to get sucked into a tar pit, so maybe they weren't that important. Although I still like that Bringin' Sexy Back song because he sounds like he's choking himself most of the way through it. Gets my toes a'tappin'. Either way, there would be no boy bands if they had never existed. Hell...I don't know that there would be a Britney Spears if they had never existed. Such a utopia is painful to think about.
When I put it that way, maybe they weren't worth an entire post...but then I post about shit like going to to dentist, so maybe they were. You be the judge.
No that was not a tie-in to last week's jury duty story. I'm not that good.
1. The lyrics.
And now I'm like,
Hey, girl, don't you know I miss it,
And I wonder if you miss it too,
Never thought it would end 'til it did,
Now, I'm here and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you.
Please take note of the line "And now I'm like,". This is what is known as the parlance of our times. I take that back, not "ours", but our teenagers'. I only know this because while dating the Ex-Systems Administrator I had a teenager in my life. And he had friends. And they spoke. This sort of thing is also appears on TV and in the moving pictures from time to time. And what the fuck is "it"? Nasty. So that's the first part. And now...
2. Their ages.
Donald Edmond Wahlberg, Jr. (born August 17, 1969)
is 39
Daniel William Wood Jr. (born 14 May 1969)
is 39
Joseph Mulrey McIntyre (aka Joe McIntyre, Joey McIntyre), born December 31, 1972
is 36
Jordan Knight (born Jordan Nathaniel Marcel Knight, (born May 17, 1970)
is 38
Jonathan Rashleigh Knight (born November 29, 1968)
is 40.
I repeat. 40.
And back to the lyrics:
In your strapless sundress,
Kickin' back, no stress,
As long as we was together,
'Cause we were feelin' young love,
And we couldn't get enough.
Baby, I could reminisce forever.
Read those ages again and tell me you don't throw up just a little in your mouth. Don't lie to me.
Now...I fully realize that NKOTB paved the way for people like Justin Timberlake to have a career. Don't think I don't know they were important. Except that I hate Justin Timberlake and want him to get sucked into a tar pit, so maybe they weren't that important. Although I still like that Bringin' Sexy Back song because he sounds like he's choking himself most of the way through it. Gets my toes a'tappin'. Either way, there would be no boy bands if they had never existed. Hell...I don't know that there would be a Britney Spears if they had never existed. Such a utopia is painful to think about.
When I put it that way, maybe they weren't worth an entire post...but then I post about shit like going to to dentist, so maybe they were. You be the judge.
No that was not a tie-in to last week's jury duty story. I'm not that good.
**Update**
Roommate takes issue with my math. Says that Joey isn't 36 'til December and Jonathan isn't 40 'til November. Fuck that noise. My disgust still stands.
