On The Eve of The Big Event...

I know most people don't give a good goddamn about the Oscars, but I've been watching them faithfully ever since I was a wee one. And since they're tomorrow, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the Academy Award nominations for Best Picture with you all. And you're gonna shut up and like it.


Up in the Air
I saw it. It was cute. But I'll tell you this - any movie that has an "Oh my god, it's Young MC! Let's dance!" moment is not an Oscar contender.





Avatar
I haven't seen this movie yet. Want to know why? Because I don't want to have to see a movie "just for the awesome effects". Now that the technology exists, I'm going to WAIT until they find a way to merge those awesome effects with a FUCKING DECENT STORYLINE. One that may or may not involve blue people.



District 9
I walked away from this movie feeling like Nigerians must be the worst people on Earth. Though it may not have been the intended consequence - it still left a bad taste in my mouth. My friends tell me to stop being so sensitive. But then I tell them to shut up, so it all evens out.



An Education
This was a fanfuckingtastic film with the exception of Peter Sarsgaard's sad English accent. But it suffers from Vera Drake (Mike Leigh) syndrome...as in - it will not win due to the inclusion of the following elements:
a. It's British
b. It's too quiet. Thoughtful and filled with dialogue. Not a single explosion.
c. The heroine's journey - though a definable journey - is not epic. There's no racial or spacial divide to cross...it's just youth and we've all been there.
d. Everyone agrees that things were fucked up in the 60s.
That being said, the best part of the movie is Rosamund Pike. Anyone who can pull off playing a ditz while remaining likable as a character is truly amazing acting.


The Hurt Locker
B and I saw this when it first came out and no one was talking about it yet. I don't remember why. I think maybe we're drawn to titles with "Hurt" in them. Or maybe "Locker". B really loved this movie. Really loved it. I...appreciated it. There were some beautifully bleak scenes and some fun (as much as you can use that word in a war movie) cameos - and I definitely could get behind the message. But I'm a little desensitized to war films, so they take a lot to impress me. But you know...you should see it anyway.


The Blind Side
Are you fucking kidding me?! A blond Sandra Bullock?! Football?! Rich white lady helps poor black teenager!? The SOUTH?! TIM MCGRAW?! Come on.




Inglourious Basterds
I just recently saw this one. I know, how behind the times can you get, right? I wanted to like it more than I did. The first 30 minutes are awesome. The last 30 minutes are awesome. Eli Roth is strangely awesome. But I really do just hate Quentin Tarantino, his obsession with the 70s - everything he stands for. And I want someone to slap his chin right off his face.


Precious
This was in theaters (and very few of them) for a depressingly short time and I didn't make it. However - the preview makes me cry. Photos from the film make me cry. Mo'Nique accepting her Golden Globe made me cry. Seeing Mariah Carey's face on screen normally makes me cry (for an all together different reason) - but in this role, I'm able to hold it in.


A Serious Man
I have not seen this yet, not for lack of trying. Things keep getting in the way, and I'm beginning to take it personally. Yes, I'm talking to you, Universe. I've heard good things - but I think we all know that the Coen Bros. have recently had their day in the red-carpeted sun and this nomination is just to let them know they're not forgotten. Also - the main actor looks disturbingly like a young Robin Williams. Anyone else notice this?


Up
When this was in the theaters, I told Brendan to plan to see it when I was out of town. According to him, this is because I have no soul and hate all things good in the world (children, puppies, etc.). He might be right. However. It's not going to win.





MY PREDICTION
Stupid-faced Avatar will win. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. James Cameron knows it. Cocky bastard. You can see it in his facial hair. And when he does - I plan on yelling and shaking my angry red-wine encased in glass fist (Oscar party) that Precious was ROBBED. And then we'll move on to other things, like who looks the most anorexic in their dress.

Half-Assed Reviews: The Terminator and Brothers Bloom

Go away!

No, I don't mean it. I just don't want to share my beer. I only have 7 of them left and they have to last.

Seriously though, I want an award. Time was I couldn't post three lines about weeds in the forest without getting some made-up blogger award. I liked it. Made me feel special. Made me feel read. Made me feel like I was impacting the world in a really profound and insignificant way. No, that was not a typo. I was just being clever there. The kind of clever that used to win me blogger awards.

So come on you people who know how to both blog and work the microsoft paint program that comes standard with your operating system! Craft me an award! I need validation! And an air conditioner, hell's balls, is it overly warm in here!

Ok.

Half-Assed Movie Review time! You like that?! I've got two re-occurring gimmicks now. Watch out! I'm almost professional! If I could just learn how to properly tag things, I'd have this shit LOCKED DOWN.

Shut up. Here we go!

The Terminator
You may or may not have heard of this movie. You may or may not know that its star, who's cup size must be close to my own, is currently the governor of California. And completely and totally solely responsible for the upholding of Prop 8. I think it's because he hates himself. Man, I speak so much truth!

Anyway! I've already seen this movie but it was years ago and on TV so I missed all the good bits. And to be honest, this time around I fell asleep during the sex scene, so when she showed up preggo at the end (um, spoiler alert?) I was all...'when did they do it?'.

But what I really want to say about this movie is that it is the ONLY film I have EVER seen that didn't include a single actor from any era of Saturday Night Live AND had a character that SERIOUSLY used the term "your mama" as a come back. 4 stars. ****. Those are asterisks but some cultures would totally call them stars.

The Brothers Bloom
I saw Brick a couple times in the theatres (classy sp). As a HUGE fan of Noir and The Maltese Falcon, it tickled me pink. Or noir. And I much preferred it everything else in the world for a very short amount of time. No this has nothing to do with the fact that I want to chew on Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I really thought it was clever!

The Brother's Bloom, not so clever. Adequately clever is the best I'd give it. I don't know if there's a star(asterisk) equivalent to that. I'm going to say it's more like this: **^^. The best parts of the film were Rachel Weiz and that chick from Babel. Bang Bang was her character's name. They had the best lines. Yes, I attribute that sentence to both of them (for those who've already seen it). I'd already been warned that it was a Wes Anderson-riddled homage...but really I didn't find that to be the case, which was a blessing, because I didn't want to have to choke(dislike) a bitch(the director). The plot was hackneyed and the characters trite, but it was all very pretty.

I will say this for the film, though, and I believe this sums up my opinion aptly:

The consistent use of capes was fantastic. I was 100% behind it. It's very possible that there was some actual metaphor involved about how everyone has something to hide, etc. But I don't even care. I just love capes. And I don't think that's wrong.

So there you have it; some more half-assed movie reviews to help you decide how to spend your free time. Don't even pretend I don't influence that.

The Things I Do For People I Don't Know

This might be the second meme request from Mary in which I'm forced to give details about myself. I'm convinced it's because she wants to gather what info she can and then steal my identity to open a crapload of credit cards and max them out at some place really lame, like JC Penney's. Sneaky.

This time, it's in the form of an award. I don't know how this is an award really, since it comes with conditions. But I'm still at "work" and it's New Years Eve and I've watched ENTIRELY too many Twilight Zone episodes in a 7 hour period, so here we go.

This will be my special Last Day of 2008 version of the meme where I will give you 10 honest little nuggets from this special, special - flew by like it was on speed laced with coke - year. Yes, that was an extra "special". I'm serious about things. Here they are in the order of when I thought of them.

10. I saw Baby Mama. In the theater. And not the cheap, second-run theater. But in my defense, Mum and I took Grandma, and her laughing at it made it worth every second of my life lost. (What's worse is that I thought it was a fairly amusing)

9. Due to happy-relationship weight-gain, I purchased and wore one of those hideous beige spanx-type girdle undergarment things. I felt...confined.

8. I had a sex dream about a faceless hermaphrodite. The actual dream wasn't as perverse as that sentence makes it out to be, but damn, I woke up uncomfortable.

7. I called my sister fat. Several times. Recently. I'll probably do it again tomorrow. And every time I do it, I feel better about myself. I'm not sure why since she's still a smaller size than me at 6 months of pregnasty. Funny, that.

6. I didn't see a dead body that I saw.

5. I found a way to blog from Romania. Awesome. And sad.

4. I went to my 10-year high school reunion. And came back from it.

3. I fell out of love.

2. I became David Cross' best friend. I know it, even if he doesn't.

1. I fell in love.

Now you know it all. Don't ask me for anything ever again.

Merry New Year. Merry merry.