Half-Assed Reviews: The Terminator and Brothers Bloom

Go away!

No, I don't mean it. I just don't want to share my beer. I only have 7 of them left and they have to last.

Seriously though, I want an award. Time was I couldn't post three lines about weeds in the forest without getting some made-up blogger award. I liked it. Made me feel special. Made me feel read. Made me feel like I was impacting the world in a really profound and insignificant way. No, that was not a typo. I was just being clever there. The kind of clever that used to win me blogger awards.

So come on you people who know how to both blog and work the microsoft paint program that comes standard with your operating system! Craft me an award! I need validation! And an air conditioner, hell's balls, is it overly warm in here!

Ok.

Half-Assed Movie Review time! You like that?! I've got two re-occurring gimmicks now. Watch out! I'm almost professional! If I could just learn how to properly tag things, I'd have this shit LOCKED DOWN.

Shut up. Here we go!

The Terminator
You may or may not have heard of this movie. You may or may not know that its star, who's cup size must be close to my own, is currently the governor of California. And completely and totally solely responsible for the upholding of Prop 8. I think it's because he hates himself. Man, I speak so much truth!

Anyway! I've already seen this movie but it was years ago and on TV so I missed all the good bits. And to be honest, this time around I fell asleep during the sex scene, so when she showed up preggo at the end (um, spoiler alert?) I was all...'when did they do it?'.

But what I really want to say about this movie is that it is the ONLY film I have EVER seen that didn't include a single actor from any era of Saturday Night Live AND had a character that SERIOUSLY used the term "your mama" as a come back. 4 stars. ****. Those are asterisks but some cultures would totally call them stars.

The Brothers Bloom
I saw Brick a couple times in the theatres (classy sp). As a HUGE fan of Noir and The Maltese Falcon, it tickled me pink. Or noir. And I much preferred it everything else in the world for a very short amount of time. No this has nothing to do with the fact that I want to chew on Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I really thought it was clever!

The Brother's Bloom, not so clever. Adequately clever is the best I'd give it. I don't know if there's a star(asterisk) equivalent to that. I'm going to say it's more like this: **^^. The best parts of the film were Rachel Weiz and that chick from Babel. Bang Bang was her character's name. They had the best lines. Yes, I attribute that sentence to both of them (for those who've already seen it). I'd already been warned that it was a Wes Anderson-riddled homage...but really I didn't find that to be the case, which was a blessing, because I didn't want to have to choke(dislike) a bitch(the director). The plot was hackneyed and the characters trite, but it was all very pretty.

I will say this for the film, though, and I believe this sums up my opinion aptly:

The consistent use of capes was fantastic. I was 100% behind it. It's very possible that there was some actual metaphor involved about how everyone has something to hide, etc. But I don't even care. I just love capes. And I don't think that's wrong.

So there you have it; some more half-assed movie reviews to help you decide how to spend your free time. Don't even pretend I don't influence that.

A Christmas Miracle

It snowed today. On Christmas. For, like...hours. Well..., maybe two. But still, I can't tell you the last time it snowed on Christmas here. I could probably google it, but I don't have that kind of energy. I'm in a consumption coma.

I hope everyone had a delightful Christmas. I enjoyed mine, even if the snow did melt by 3:00 PM.

As is our tradition, amy g. and I went to a movie this evening. We find it to be a good way to wind down from all the family of the several days prior. Usually we hit the pub theater for a glass of wine and a slice of pie, but this year we had company. Kansas, the waif and her man-half til death tears them asunder, ty, amy g. and I all went to see Sweeney Todd...because I had been hyperventilating with anticipation ever since I saw the trailer on somethingorother months ago. I'm a huge Tim Burton fan. And an even huger Johnny Depp fan. And an even HUGER Burton/Depp hybrid fan (with the exception of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...what the fuck was that?)

Even better, I'd already gone to Rotten Tomatoes to see that finally Burton has graced us with a winner in review-land. It's been a while. So we went. Immediately I had to pee. Why does that always happen? But I held it. When watching a stage-to-screen musical such as this, it is imperative that one pays extra close attention to the songs, since they are the primary mover of the storyline in a way that dialogue...well...just isn't. So I stayed in my seat trying not to think about how many glasses of horrible white zinfandel I'd downed before setting myself down for a two hour stint. Because you can't miss a second of a musical and still know what's going on.

So this is what I thought:

Sacha Baron Cohen is a gem. His part was fabulous. He was the much needed comic relief when Helena Bonham Carter just couldn't be. And based on the tightness of his trousers, I would say his wife is a very lucky woman.

Carter should get an Oscar. That woman needs recognition for being CONSISTENTLY wonderful, whether it be Shakespeare or Chuck Palaniuk she's reciting. And I truly feel that if it hadn't been for her character, the complete lack of heart in the film would've left me feeling empty as well as ooged out.

Depp is hot. That is both obvious and an understatement, but when you take into account the double digits of roles where his character has OBVIOUSLY questionable personal hygiene and he still is the hottest thing in the room...that says something. I was surprised at how pleasant his singing voice was but mourned the complete lack of emotional depth of his Sweeney. I realize that's the character...it was what he was supposed to be, but he does "emotional" so beautifully...I felt ever so slightly robbed.

Broadway plays have never been known for their tight storylines...but this translated pretty well onto the film. There are the usual plot holes that we feel more distinctly on screen than if one were sitting in an audience waiting for intermission to grab a cocktail so the set can change. But I think trying to hold something like this to the same storyline standard as, say, Syriana is unfair. Still...it'd be nice if Burton could've tightened it up a little.

But visually...it was fucking sweeeeet.